Wednesday, February 28, 2007

American Idol - The Girls, week 2

Before I begin, I'd like to file a formal complaint with the producers of A.I.:

Dear sirs: Paula Abdul is shockingly sharp this year. There's an element of entertainment missing because of this. Please tell her to stop it.

Thanks,

Berry

And now, back to business...

Goth Gina: Wow, the background singers are sucking. It's making her sound off-key, but it's them that's off. She's a good singer, but something's missing. Can't quite put my finger on it. Oh, I see.. Simon's hit the nail on the head: where has her edge gone?

Waterworks Alaina: Hmmm... this is hot and cold. Sometimes it works, sometimes it sucks. She's got good presence, there's no denying that. But a weak voice.

Lakisha: Hey, she looks pretty good! Kinda younger, I'd say. I wish she had more time up there, because I think she was just getting her engines going before she had to stop. Not her greatest performance, but we all know she can bring the house down.

Melinda: Ah yes... one of the best songs of all time (Funny Valentine). She's blowing Lakisha right out of the water. I'd buy this in a second. But still, the post-performance over-the-top humility and little-girl-lost look is starting to wear on me.

Barbarella-Antonella: Yikes. Shaky. Girl's had a bad week, I suppose. The nerves make her sound like a goat. But whoa! She nailed that high note. That voice range will come in handy during the squealing sequences for her next film. Sorry, sorry... that was horrible. Funny, but horrible.

Jordin: Mulan? Fucking Mulan?? Oh Jordin, Jordin, Jordin. Do you know how badly I want to spell your name with an "a"? Sorry, that's besides the point. We liked you when you were rockin', girl. This is awful. I'm gonna go fold my laundry. Jesus, girl. Seriously. (Uh... the judges LOVED this...??? Holy cow, they're really pushing her through.)

Stephanie: She's really in her element here. She's got a maturity about her, for a teenager. Yeah, she's giving a Mary J. Blige vibe to a Beyonce song. She's got a rawness about her that really works. This is good.

Leslie: She reminds me of Stevie Nicks, physically. But yikes... I can appreciate what she's trying to do here, but it's coming across all wrong. Plus, I'm really wanting her to stop slouching.

Haley: Much better than last week. But she's still going home within the next 2 weeks.

Sabrina: Almost forgot about her. She's so likable, but her voice doesn't resonate well with me. A little too high-pitch for me, I think. I'm sure she's quite good, but I wouldn't miss her if she went.


Haley, Leslie, Alaina, and Barbarella can all go. But I'll bet Gina goes, because she probably doesn't have a huge support system that's dialing their asses off right now. Sad, but true.



Tuesday, February 27, 2007

American Idol - The Boys, week 2

Tonight left me quite uninspired. And when I'm uninspired to pick apart an American Idol performance, you know it's bad.

Still, here goes:

Bald Phil: Good voice, but bleh stage presence. Okay, truth is, I'm still so damned distracted by that shiny head. Still, as I listen to him sing, I realize he really, really does have a good voice. But my god what a bleh song. I'm bored.

Jared: Hmmm. Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On". Is he even trying to be smooth? Really? Is that what that is? Because it's coming off as cheesy. Nothing original here. It's not feeling like an authentic performance. I'm bored again.

A.J.: His heroes are his parents (yawn). Oh wait... here we go... now he's got some smooth moves. This is looking like an authentic performance. I'm not crazy about his voice, but it's good, I guess. Yeah, he's good. I'm liking the kid this week.

Sanjaya: Pwaaaaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Okay, seriously now. He's singing a song that - PWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA...... oh... stop.... HAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA.... So sorry. I need to get a grip here. It's just that he's wearing this hat that looks, well..... HAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... Oh no!!! He's doing miniature hip shakes... STOP IT! Hah-haha-ha-ha-ha!!

Fluffy Chris: W.O.W.... I've got goosebumps. Amazing. Brilliant.

Rerun Nick: You know, this boy needs to be singing jazz. I wanna hear him sing My Funny Valentine. He'd kill at that.

Beatbox Blake: What's with the silly hats tonight?? He's very entertaining tonight. First one to work the crowd a bit. I'm enjoying this.

Background Brandon: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Other Chris: A weak start, but he picked up some energy along the way. This kid's very "now". And you know, now that I think about it, he's cuter and more well-spoken by the week. He's still coming off as a very likable guy, and he really does have a very good voice.

Sundance: Okay. He's back in the saddle. But I don't think he could keep that voice going for a 90 minute concert. No way.

My fave tonight was Fluffy Chris, hands down. I'm looking forward to hearing his voice for many, many weeks to come. And if they could keep Sanjaya around for comedic purposes, I would really appreciate that.

You're charging me what??

I almost got robbed yesterday. Almost.

The cable company tried to take some extra money from me, and I put up quite a fight.

Here's what happened. I pay my cable bill automatically every month with my credit card. I don't even have to think about it. The payment goes through, and I get a monthly statement. It has worked beautifully like this for years.

Last November, my credit card expired and I received a new one, so I logged on to my account at the cable company's web site to update my credit card info. All I really needed to change was the expiration date.

Apparently, the update didn't "take", so in December, I went online and did it again. I was doing this with no prompting from the cable company. They just brought the balance forward to the next month without contacting me. My services remained active.

In January, I noticed the payment still wasn't appearing on my card, so I called the cable company. They took my new card info, thanked me, and said all should be well now.

I went forward with my life, secure in the knowledge that all was well with my cable account.

Yesterday, I received an automated phone message, asking me to contact the cable company immediately regarding a most urgent matter. Yikes, I thought. A most urgent matter. My, this does sound serious.

It was 5:42pm. Luckily, they were open until 6pm. I called right away. The very nice woman who took my call was difficult to understand through her accent, but she managed to convey to me that my account was now seriously delinquent, and I needed to make arrangements to pay this immediately, or my services could be disrupted.

Oh, I see. Well, I said, here's my story... and I repeated to her everything I've just told you. I even said that there must be a note on my account, indicating that I called last month and spoke with someone. No, she said. You haven't contacted us since March 2006.

Um, no, I said, starting to feel defensive. I called last month and spoke to some guy... just like I told you. I told her I gave the guy my new card expiration date, which was 03/2010. I asked her what card information she had. She gave me a date of 10/2003. Well there you go, I said. The guy made an error.

Once we had that all figured out, I asked her what my total was. Wow. It was pretty high. Were there any penalty fees included in this, I asked? Of course, she said, and repeated, your account is seriously delinquent.

Okay. I see where this is headed, I thought. So I explained... Let's make this clear. YOU are charging ME, for YOUR error, is this correct? She hesitated, and then put me on hold. By now, it's almost 5:55pm.

She returns and acts as though we had just met, repeating the total amount to me and asking if I'm ready to pay. Wtf? The following conversation ensued:

(5:56pm)

Me: I'm happy to pay what I owe, but I'm not paying any penalty fees. What's my total without the penalty fees?

Her: You are responsible for these, mum.

Me: No, no I'm not. Will you remove these?

Her: I can try. I can fill out a form and see if you can get a credit.

(5:57pm)

Me: A form? For a credit? No, no, no. I'm not making myself very clear, here. I'm not paying any penalty fees, period. Not now, not later. I absolutely refuse to be charged for this. This is unbelievable! This was your company's mistake. If you can't remove these from my account, then let me speak with someone who can.

Her: (sigh) Hold please.

(5:58pm)

(6:00pm)

(6:02pm)

(6:05pm)

I shit you not.

(6:08pm)

I'm SO not hanging up on this bitch.

(6:10pm)

There's no way they've gone home and left me there. If I have to call back tomorrow, I'm gonna....

Her: Mum? Yes, so sorry to make you wait.

I'll bet.

Her: Yes, we will remove the penalties from the total. Are you ready to pay the balance of the amount right away?

Me, indignant: Of course! That's what I've been trying to do for months! (sigh) Now, exactly how much were the penalties?

Her: $2.55, mum.

Silence.

Me: Two dollars and fifty-five cents?

Her: Yes mum.

Silence.

Me, sheepishly: I see. Well, thank you very much for your help, and you have yourself a wonderful evening. Thank you. Again. Thank you. Yes. Bye now.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

American Idol - The Girls

Aaaaack! Due to some really poor timing on my part, I didn't make it home in time for the start of the show. I missed the first two performances, so all I've got for them is a critique of their 3-second recap clip from the end of the show.

Stephanie: Hey! She looks like Fantasia!

Amy: Hey! She doesn't look a thing like Fantasia!

Leslie: Great rock voice potential. Hate those moves, though. A bit distracting. Is she wearing an office dress? And what the hell are those, Hookers of the Caribbean boots? Interesting.

Sabrina: Christina A. with a tight perm, but without the depth of voice. Simon says it's the best he's heard so far. Easy there, Simon. She's only the 4th one up.

BFF Antonella: Nervous tension, personified. Uh-oh... even Mom just made a "yikes!" face. That can't be good. I'm thinking the BFF who got the boot last week just smiled and put her voodoo doll down.

Sparky Jordin: Looks like a young Chaka Kahn, only way more beautiful. Great song choice (Tracy Chapman). I like her lower register notes. Whoa... she's really rockin' this. Damn good job.

Vanilla Nicole: Plain, forgettable look. Oh no... she is WAY too white to be singing Chaka. (I don't think I've ever refered to Chaka Kahn twice in one day before. Just sayin'...). Oh god. I can't look anymore. She sounds and looks like she just found her drunken boyfriend in a hotel room with a stripper after a 3-day bender. It's not pretty.

Haley: Too much vibrato. The whole song is revolving around it. Reminds me of my mother-in-law singing a pop song with an opera voice.

Background Melinda: So weird. She really comes out of her shell when she sings. God-DAMN she can sing! I thought she'd be a wooden deer-in-headlights figure, but she's really putting it all out there. Just brilliant. And then, when she's done, it's like a switch is flipped, and she's back to being afraid of her own shadow. Maybe she just needs a neck.

Alaina Waterworks: Hmmm.... that song didn't showcase her voice at all. Simon & Ryan take a few jabs at each other and completely hijack her spotlight, so she brings it back by starting to recite her own voting number. Atta girl!

Goth Gina: Great, great voice. Aw look... she made Mom start crying during the 1st verse. I think Gina's afraid of vampires, though, judging by the giant Crusaders' cross bling around her neck.

Lakisha: She's been my fave during the Hollywood series ................................................ ............................................ ................................. ........................................... ....................................... ...................................... ........................... ........................ Sorry. Couldn't type. Hand was busy picking my friggin' jaw up from the floor. Let's hope she doesn't pull a Mandisa and come out singing gospel next month. This girl is awesome!!!

Tomorrow night, 4 go home. I don't even care who at this point. There are enough sucky ones to pick from.


American Idol - The Boys

Oh goody! The numbers are down to a manageable figure and I can finally take up one of my most favouritest activities in the whole world: criticizing!! I mean... critiquing.

Our first bunch: The Boys.

Venezuela Rudy: I've already forgotten him. But I do remember that giant target on his shirt. Kinda asking for it, I'd say. Yeah, he's a goner.

Background Brandon: Oh brother. Another one of these "let me look deeply into your eyes and then you'll fall under my spell and vote for me" guys. Seriously, that just makes me look away uncomfortably. I didn't like his voice as much this time around. And I do hope that whole "You're a lead singer now!" hooplah will die down soon... it's already gotten old.

Sundance (the Gnome): Hmmm... his voice is lacking some depth, I think. And his face is lacking a razor. This guy just keeps getting pushed through by the producers in hopes that he'll recreate what he did that ONE time in the first audition. (Hey guys? Yeah, thing is, he's been fucking up ever since. Let him loose, 'mkay?)

Barefoot Paul: Yo Paul, lose the gangsta hand movements dawg. It don't fit. Heeey, not a bad voice. Well, except for that high note. Ouch.

Brushcut Chris: Well-spoken, likable dude. Couldn't have picked a worse song (pssstt.... hey Chris, Bo Bice owns that song as of a couple of seasons ago. Don't touch it, k?) Seriously, I wish guys would stay away from those cliche hand moves. And, um, what's with all that bopping up and down? It's looking more "turkey in the straw" than anything else.

Rerun Nick: Love that smoky voice, but it's not working for him right now. His dangling arms are distracting. Maybe they don't work. Oh wait! He just moved them. I think once this guy finds some confidence, he'll do just fine.

Beatbox Blake: LOVE this guy. Humble, sincere, confident... a natural. Someone out there has already started drawing up a contract, in case for some insane reason he doesn't win this thing. He's my pick for the final 2.

Sanjaya: That stretch-o-smile will get old fast. Oh look... it just happened. Nice voice, but wtf is up with that song??? Oh yeah, that's right. His loser sister picked this song for him. Haaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Revenge much?

Poodle Chris: I just love this guy. Perfect song choice. Clean, authentic voice. Great stage presence, even by not doing much. Whoa... but I think his humour just got ahead of him. Not a smart move to zing the boss, kiddo.

Jared the Fired Waiter: Good-looking. That'll work for him for a bit. But his voice is one-dimensional. He won't be able to sing any other style. At least he's got that waiter experience to fall back on.

A.J.: This year's token gay contestant. Good energy, but I never was one for the "yodel" sound effect - you know, that sort of "country whine". Like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

Bald Phil: Whoa! Holy crap, dude. You've really got the whole cue-ball thing down pat. May I suggest adding a little something? Perhaps a hat? A bandana? Or some facial hair? An earring or two? But hey.... great voice. And great performance. I think you'll do okay.

Tomorrow night... the girls!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Just a little off the top

(ring. ring.)

"Yo."

"Hello, Mr. Federline? We've got some good news for you, sir."

"I sold a cd??!"

"Uh, no sir. We want to inform you that you can come pick your kids up. They're all yours, sir."

"Yo, no shit. I already know they mine."

"No, no, sir. You don't understand. You've been granted custody, sir. They're coming to live with you."

"With me?? But I haven't even officially axed for custody yet. Wtf happened?"

"It's your ex-wife, sir. She's... she's... well, sir, there's no other way to put it. I'm afraid she's gone stark raving mad."




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Photo: Ben/Dave/Victor/Bauer-Griffin

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Today's illustrated definition

Fuck: interjection; (slang) used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often followed by a pronoun, as "you" or "it".

Some images for you, accompanied by my thoughts as I took the pics...


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view from kitchen window; arrow pointing to car antenna (holy fuck).



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back of my car (fucking hell)


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starting to dig out (fuck this shit)



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Main Man's car, free to go (fuckin' A!)

Room with a view

The blizzard... she has hit.



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Needless to say, I've got some digging to do. My car is somewhere beneath that. I can tell, because from another window, there's an antenna sticking out of it.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Say "when"

Just before lunchtime, I spent over an hour shoveling our driveway. There was about 8 inches of fresh snow on the ground. Luckily, it was powder instead of wet snow, so it wasn't terribly heavy.

By adding this fresh snow to the already-existing snow banks on each side of our driveway, the height of the snowbank now reaches my shoulders.

The snow has been falling since about 5am, non-stop. Not hard... just steady.

Here's the thing: The storm has not even hit yet.

No shit. That means we can expect another couple of feet to fall later this evening, along with gusts of balmy arctic wind.

I'm thinkin' I won't be golfing anytime soon.

On blizzards and American Idol

Either I was on speed last night, or this year's American Idol Hollywood series went by a lot faster than usual.

Nothing much to say about this episode. I was surprised with some of the judges' choices, and shocked that the editors focused more on the actual performances than on the drama (including the usual drama between Simon and Paula).

Speaking of Paula, has someone taken away her candy? She's looking awfully lucid, making sound decisions, and forming complete sentences. If this continues, I'm not sure I'll be having as much fun this year.

We'll see, I suppose....

In other news, I don't know if the guys with the really big shovels will be digging that hole for our house today. Steady snow has been falling all morning, and we're headed for blizzard conditions this afternoon.

Great.

I'm bummed about the house thing, but I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than being snowed in.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Hey... did you hear about Anna Nicole Smith?

I've learned something very important over the past week: I know nothing.... NOTHING.... about putting together a house.

And even less about interior design.

I know nothing about ceramic tiles. I know nothing about hardwood floors. I know nothing about kitchen cabinets. I know nothing about kitchen counters. I know nothing about paint; doors; door handles; drawer handles; light fixtures. Omigod... light fixtures!

There are way too many options available to me, and my head comes dangerously close to exploding every time I try to make a selection.

We break ground on Wednesday, and things will move very quickly from that moment. I'm feeling the pressure now. Main Man and I spent most of last week and this weekend running around from appointment to appointment with different suppliers. Between that and work, I barely had time to breathe, nevermind blog.

Tomorrow, it's the plumbing and bathroom fixture guy.

And then even more importantly, the American Idol auditions are finally over, and we're moving on to the Hollywood sessions tomorrow. WOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I mean, not that I'm watching or anything.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Today's illustrated definition

Awkward: adjective; lacking grace or ease in movement; not well planned; embarrassing or inconvenient.

TOM: "Okay, here we go. Step up and dance, Kate. C'mon! The cameras are pointing this way. Move, dammit! Look sexy for Christ's sake!"

KATIE: "Wha...? Dance??! You never said I'd have to da... Oh fuck it. Here, I'm dancing, I'm dancing, you short sonofabitch. Jesus, I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile going. And why the fuck did you dress me up like Jackie O if you expected me to dance and look sexy??"

Click here for an awkward video illustration of today's word.

They're on to me

Well, the day has finally arrived. The, um... people at "Folks" magazine have taken away my online privileges.

Dammit.

But just to show me they're still thinking about me, they're keeping in touch. Yesterday, I received my fourth "FINAL NOTICE!" in the mail, announcing with great alarm that my magazine subscription has run out. (Yes, I know. Thanks.)

Oh well. I knew this day was coming. I'll be okay.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

'Tis the season...

Well, here they are. Right on schedule. Just before spring break.

The parade of school kids that ring our door bell, trying to sell the same old crappy chocolate bars that we had to sell when we were in school.

We bought some the first year we rented this place, pretty much only because we were the new kids on the block and didn't want to be the big meanies. But that novelty wore off quick, and now the sure-fire way to piss us off is to ring our doorbell on a Sunday evening.

Besides, it's a rare thing for us to even have cash laying around. Who uses cash anymore anyway?

Thing is, there are hundreds of school kids in my neighbourhood, and the minute they sniff out someone who's willing to fork over $2.00 for a chocolate bar, they're on them like a mob.

When the bell rings at our house, we both try to ignore it for as long as possible, just to see if the other will get up first to look out the window. I usually win by saying "I'm not wearing a bra". It's like calling shotgun, and it's my umbrella excuse for not answering the door to strangers. One day, when we're much older and the bra thing doesn't even matter anymore, I might say "I'm not wearing my teeth".

For now, I just really, really wish schools would come up with better fundraising ideas. Ones that don't involve my Sunday evenings.

Or wait... you know what? If a kid rings our doorbell to shovel our driveway, that would be cool. And he'd make a helluva lot more than $2.00.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Dear Punxsutawney Phil...

Hey there, lil' guy. Just a quick note to thank you for holding up your end of the deal this morning. They fell for it. They totally believe you didn't see your shadow. Good job!

I'll get those promised snacks to you as soon as I can.

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep polishing my brand new driver that arrived on Wednesday, and looking forward to an early golf season.

You rock!