Okay Then Bye...

I'm just gonna go ahead and recite this...

2008-04-22T20:21:00.003-05:00

(ring-ring)

"Thank you for calling (an online golf store). This is Amy, how can I help you?"

"Hi Amy. I'm calling about an order I placed today. It appears the item is now out of stock. Can I change it to something else so it can ship quickly?"

"Sure. Let me go ahead and look at your order. Do you have the order number?"

"Yeah, it's blah-blah-blah."

"Thanks, lemme just go ahead and bring that up. (tippity-tap... pause....) Okay, here we go."

(I proceed to tell her what I want instead)

"Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and change that for you right now. (tippity-tap... pause... tippity-tap... pause...) I see you've ordered from us before. Did you want to use your discount code from your last purchase?"

(Discount code? Yes, of course!)

"Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and plug that in for you. I see we're using a different ship-to address this time. Do you want this to be a permanent change in your account?"

(Yeah, whatever. Lemme guess, you're gonna go ahead and...)

"Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and change that for you right now. Will there be anything else I can do for you Ms. Berry?"

(No, but I'm guessing you're about to say that your gonna go ahead and...)

"Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and put your order through right away. It should ship tomorrow."

"Thanks, Amy. You go ahead and enjoy the rest of your day."

"Uh... thank you. And thank you for shopping with (an online golf store)."

True story.

OH MY GOD what happened to all my posts????!!!

2008-03-05T13:16:00.004-05:00

Just kidding. There were no posts. I really am that lazy.

Well, that's not true. I have all kinds of excuses for not having posted since November. You see, a few days after posting last, Main Man and I accidentally drove to the dog shelter, and accidentally adopted Woody, the Wonder Pup.

I say "accidentally", because the original plan was to install a fence in the back yard before we went looking for a pooch. And the fence isn't scheduled to go up until May or June-ish.

But we couldn't help ourselves. I mean... he's Woody, for crying out loud. Woody. Yes, the Wonder Pup. In the flesh. There he was, just waiting for us. What else could we do, right?

He's a 15-month-old (or so) hybrid... some German Shepherd, some Golden Retriever, and some mystery breed... and he is, literally, the smartest pooch in the world. Also, his tail is so powerful, it can actually generate electricity for a small village if he is feeling especially happy about something. I am guessing it will also be quite a fabulous fly swatter come summer.

When the outside world thaws, I will be taking out my camera and annoying the fuck out of Woody with it. As a result, laziness aside, I will be annoying the fuck out of everyone I know by posting tons of pictures of Woody online.

Yeah, so anyway... back to my excuse. I have been very busy training the Wonder Pup over the winter. Every free minute has been spent studying canine behaviour and practicing stuff on Woody. I have so enjoyed doing this, that I've decided to make a career out of it. Seriously. It is my destiny.

So there you have it. I'm gonna train dogs for a living. I'm so gonna. I have to. It's the best thing in the whole world.

In the meantime, American Idol has snuck up on us again, and yes... I'm still watching. I've been fighting the urge to post about it, seeing as I promised last year that I wouldn't do it again. There also appears to be less stuff to laugh at this season, as everyone appears to be really good, and not so pickable-onable.

But you never know...

Meet your new daddy

2007-11-16T17:20:00.000-05:00

Step-Son's psycho bitch mom got married. Not to the guy she was engaged to this past summer, mind you. No, that didn't work out, apparently. Instead, she seems to have married a South American she used to know a few years ago. Or many few years ago. Or something. Who the fuck knows.

I wasn't kidding when I tried to illustrate her instability and fucked-in-the-head-ness in previous posts.

So here's how this love story unfolded. All summer, during his visit with us, Step-Son referred to this one guy... let's call him Dave... as his mom's fiance. He seemed to really like the guy, and appeared to spend a lot of time at his house. Dave has 2 girls about the same age as Step-Son, and the kids became fast friends.

Main Man and I remained unconvinced that all could possibly be as hunky-dory as Step-Son made it sound, because... well, because we know his mom. But we hoped. We honestly wished and hoped that Dave was this beacon of potential normalcy in Step-Son's everyday life.

Step-Son went home in early September, and then he and psycho-bitch (let's just call her PB for short, shall we?) fell off the face of the earth for a couple of months. No contact whatsoever. Oh well... nothing new to us.

When we finally got to speak with Step-Son this week, he announced his mom got married. Main Man, sensing a typical PB scenario has probably occurred, actually paused and asked: "To who?"

"Jimmy."

Ah yes... here it is....

"Jimmy?? Who's Jimmy?"

In a bored monotone: "My mom's new husband."

"What's his last name?"

"(sigh) I don't know. He doesn't speak English."

No.... of course he doesn't.

Here's how it's gonna go down: This thing will not last, it'll all be Jimmy's fault, and PB will create yet another emotionally charged drama to drag Step-Son through. She will move again, change jobs again, and begin the hunt for the next guy.

Sadly, there is nothing Main Man can do to bring Step-Son here. And there's nothing I can do to help the situation, besides roll my eyes and shake my head.

What I can do, however, is have some fun with it. I am accepting bets starting now. Please feel free to venture your best guess as to how long the PB and J union will last. The prize, as usual, is a Pop-Tart, which I will eat in your honour.

Yes, well... back to me

2007-11-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

Wow. It's been so long since I last attempted to log into my blogger account, I actually forgot my password.

The last time I posted, I was a newly-wed... a blushing bride. We had just moved into our new house, and fumbled our way through Step-Son's summer visit. Wait... are you still laughing at the "blushing bride" reference? Hmmph.

Anyway, some recent events have directed my attention back to this blog. I read some of my old posts and thought, "hey... this really was fun!" Except for the American Idol stuff. I don't think I'll be doing that again.

The things I want to focus on now are.... are.... wait, sorry.... I've just noticed the amount of snow suddenly falling from the sky right now. There's like, TONS of it. It's really pretty. And hypnotising.

What was I saying? Ah yes... focus. My priorities these days are mostly related to.... hey, have you ever driven at night during a snow-fall? Don't you think the headlights on the snowflakes makes it look all Star-Trekky as you're moving forward? Now THAT's hypnotising!

Right, right. Back to this. Focus, focus. Oh, and hey! Have I mentioned my back yard gives way to some undeveloped land? Yeah, woods and all. And there are deer!

Look, I'm sorry, but clearly you're just not into reading this right now. You're all over the place, and it's a bit distracting. Man, that's a lot of snow. It's very Christmassy though. I wonder if it'll melt by tomorrow?

Fuck it, Part 3... I got hitched in Vegas

2007-09-15T09:19:00.000-05:00

Yep. Main Man and I eloped this week. What better place to do it, right? I mean... it's Vegas!

September 11th. That's when we did it. It used to be such a meaningless, obscure date. But now we'll remember it always.

:o)

Fuck it, Part 2. I'm going to Vegas.

2007-09-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

The Bahamas was such a success at relieving stress that I've decided to continue the spur-of-the-moment travel trend and head to Vegas for a few days!

Well, okay... that's not how or why the decision was made, but I'm going anyway. There's a PGA golf trade show happening, and I couldn't possibly miss that. Plus all the high-stakes gambling!

Well, okay... truth is, this is a business trip. And I'd lose my ass at gambling. But I'm SO playing a roll of quarters. Just watch me.

Fuck it. I'm going to the Bahamas.

2007-08-31T12:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a long, hard summer. I'm the first to admit that this visit with Step-son was very likely one of the most challenging things I've ever had to journey through.

I am mentally and emotionally drained. Tomorrow morning, Main Man and I are flying Step-son back to the Bahamas to his mom. I don't usually accompany Main Man on these hand-off trips, but this time, I'm in need of some serious fun and escape.

So we're meeting up with about a dozen friends tomorrow night in Nassau for dinner. Friends I haven't seen in 7 years. Friends with whom I laugh until I pee my pants.

There have been a few hilarious incidents I've wanted to share here over the past few weeks, but I never seemed to find the time to post them. One in particular still causes me to blush and giggle. In a nutshell, it involves a customer whose last name is "Fuchs", and I emailed him a couple of times.... and types his name.... incorrectly.... you know where this is going.

Another involved a round of golf played with a very young and VERY shy young man. He was one of the teenagers that work at the club. I was teeing off alone early one day, and we were paired up at the last minute. I was walking the course, but he was driving a cart. The ground was very wet, and every time he brought the cart to a complete stop, it would skid for about 2 seconds. The skid would result in the most geniune, loud, and unfortunate fart sound ever made. Like a whoopie cushion attached to a megaphone. And every time, as I watched him disembark from the cart, I just knew he wanted very badly to explain that the sound was coming from the cart, not him. But he was just too shy to mention it. And I enjoyed the whole scene way too much to bother putting him at ease.

Tell you what... I'll go decompress in Nassau, and then I'll come back and tell you more. mmmkay?

Separated at birth... ?

2007-08-31T12:37:00.001-05:00

I can't help it. They're both in the news today.

Add some stubble to one, a little lipstick to the other, and voila....

Hello, my name is Berry, and I am a Facebook addict.

2007-08-17T13:58:00.001-05:00

Wow.

I have found more long-lost friends in the last 24 hours than I possibly could have in a month of intense non-Facebook-related searching. It's fucking awesome!

But... I wonder what'll happen when we're all caught up, with nothing new to say? I mean... we drifted apart in the first place, right? So when all the excitement dies down, and we all start getting back into our routines, will we suddenly remember why we were no longer in touch? Or is Facebook really the magical tool that'll bring us pals together again forever and ever?

Time will tell...

"I don't like that"

2007-08-15T09:55:00.000-05:00

It's amazing we even survive as a species. Children, apparently, don't like to eat anything. I have compiled a list of things Step-Son won't eat, in order to be more efficient at the grocery store.

Armed with this, I came back from the store yesterday with frozen chicken nuggets, Kraft Dinner, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.

That's it. That's all he'll eat, without coersion.

Oh, and ketchup. Lots and lots of ketchup.

He won't eat toast, but he'll eat a grilled cheese... with ketchup. He won't eat pizza with stuff on it (I know!), but he'll eat a cheese pizza, which is basically a grilled cheese with ketchup.

He won't eat peanut butter nor any kind of jelly or jam... says he can't stand the stuff.... but he'll eat bread (not toast) and Goobers, which isn't peanut butter or jelly at all.

(sigh)

I've been upgraded

2007-08-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

I don't know what I did, or what I said, but suddenly, I'm cool again.

Where I used to get rolling eyes, I now get a bright friendly smile. Where I used to get the sulky silent treatment, I now get full-blown animated conversations. Where I used to get the cold shoulder, I now get a shadow following me places, wanting my company.

Seriously. This pre-adolescence stuff is fuuuuucked up. It sure is incredibly heart-warming to get upgraded, though. I guess it kinda makes the smarmy stuff easier to tolerate.

Wonder how long it'll last before I'm downgraded to the Stupid Adult level again.

Wait... when did August get here??

2007-08-07T12:17:00.001-05:00

My, how time flies when you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

I can now confirm without a doubt that 12-year-olds are infinitely more difficult to connect with than kiddies aged, say, not 12 years old.

What a challenge this summer is turning out to be. Suddenly, everything is "boring", "stupid", and Step-Son knows everything there is to know about everything in the entire universe.

Thing is, we don't get the benefit of normal parents who may enter this stage gradually with their young'uns. Because we see Step-Son only once a year, we get the updated version of last year's personality without any practice or warning. (Under normal circumstances, we'd get to communicate with him regularly throughout the year, and in doing so might pick up on the subtle changes and brace ourselves accordingly. But his mom's a psycho bitch, so anything "normal" is thrown out the window, and communication is sporadic at best).

I have to admit that I have spent a considerable amount of time during this visit daydreaming about what it's going to be like when he's 15, 16, 17, and (gulp) 18. I have decided that unless I pick up some tricks and wisdom on how to be a step-parent to a troubled teenager being raised by a pyscho bitch mom, then I will FOR SURE be drinking again before long.

On a side note, I am detecting a brilliantly dry humour developing in my boyfriend's spawn, and when we can get past all this pre-adolescence and full-adolescence crap, we'll be able to trade sarcastic and witty remarks and laugh our asses off. Right now, though, the sarcasm tastes a little too much like smart-assery, and it's not so cute.

On a side-side note, I played the best round of golf in my entire life last weekend.

So, there's always that.

3 more days to go

2007-07-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

Have spent the week at my in-laws'.

'Nuff said.

Summer school

2007-07-24T15:13:00.000-05:00

So far, during this ~~rainy, cold, miserable excuse for a~~ summer, I've learned several things that I'm sure will serve me later in life.

Or not.

But still, I'm picking up knowledge about the world around me, and more importantly... about myself. In my usual manner, I am here to share my findings with you, so that you too may benefit at some point during your own life.

Or not.

1. You may remember some of the important lessons I've picked up on the golf course regarding golf course-y wildlife. Well, I recently came across another little gem. The following is not just an "old, graying gopher" afterall. Noooooooo... it sure isn't. Have a look for yourself:

Yes, it's a fucking porcupine alright. Did you know that porcupines have these porcupicky thingies all over their bodies designed to enter your body and cause much pain if Mr. Porcupicky gets a little spooked? Yes, of course you do. But just in case you didn't, have a good look at this image, and remember it well. If you're carrying a golf club when you run into one, don't wave it around and make loud noises, mmmkay? Just sayin'...

2. I caught something on TV the other day that resulted in my learning something quite shocking about myself. While channel surfing, (I swear) I accidentally landed on the new Victoria Beckham reality show, Coming to America. I (accidentally) watched the whole thing, and finally had to admit: I like her. She's fabulous! She drives me up the wall, but I could totally hang out with her. She comes across as an incredibly good sport, and I think that's pretty cool.

3. Step-Son arrived on Monday for his 7-week stay. I've discovered something terribly significant so far: 11-going-on-12-year-old boys are not much into hanging out with 40-year-old chicks. No sirree. It may be a long 7 weeks, unless I can get creative. Really creative. And fast.

The sunny, warm weather normally associated with summer FINALLY arrived two days ago following a month-long crap-fest. Hopefully, that means some summery adventures are just around the corner. Woo-hoo!

If I were a superhero, I would...

2007-07-12T12:57:00.000-05:00

Roam the streets and parking lots, freeing all the dogs left in cars with the windows "cracked open" in the sweltering heat.

Then I would round up all the owners, put choke collars on them (who the fuck still uses choke collars???), tie their hands behind their backs so they can only use their mouths, place them in a locked car under the noon-hour sun, "crack the windows open".... No, wait... "crack only one window open" (because it seems to be enough for some dogs, right?), and then leave them there to bake while their dogs run around in air-conditioned stores.

That's what I'd do.

My Favourite Expressions, Vol. 6

2007-07-09T10:18:00.000-05:00

Heard today: It takes two to tangle.

Heard last week: We'll keep a record of it for prosperity.

Now THAT's refreshing!

2007-07-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

Product: Fresca
Flavor: Grapefruit-ish
Level of bubbles: High
Consequence: Really loud burps
Fun?: Oh yes!
Last enjoyed by Berry: 12:31pm, July 5, 2007

When did you last enjoy a Fresca? (The previous question was asked in the midst of one continuous burp)

Play nice

2007-07-03T14:00:00.000-05:00

I handle customer service for Main Man's bidness. I'm brilliant at it, if I do say so myself. I'm incredibly upbeat, polite, funny, thoughtful, and insanely efficient. People hum the Brady Bunch's "Sunshine Day" when they're done talking with me.

Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.

But once in a very long while, I come across a customer that I just can't ~~kill~~ please. Today was one of those moments. I answered the phone, and things deteriorated at dizzying speeds from that moment on.

I was dealing with one of those completely, hopelessly, and eternally irrational people. As an example, I was yelled at.... YELLED at.... and entirely blamed for the fact that FedEx will not be working on July 4th. Oh, and also because yesterday was Monday and not Tuesday.

........... wtf?

Exactly.

I tried my very best. I honestly did. But soon, I was pushed a little too far, and I just lost interest in fixing this guy's problem. Soon after that, he escalated his attack and got personal. So I took it a step further too, and against my better judgment, resorted to rudeness and complacency. Before I could stop myself, I went over the edge, and turned to the best weapon ever: Sarcasm.

He hung up.

But MAN, my last comeback was a gem. I'd tell you about it, but first I'd have to give you a whole lot of history, explanation, and context, and well... that would just suck the humour right out of it.

So my message here is this: If you're really pissed about something and need to call customer service, keep your anger and arrogance in check, because I guarantee you it will get you nowhere.

Just sayin'...

Today is a good day because:

2007-06-26T08:13:00.000-05:00

1. Our bedroom furniture gets delivered
2. There are no more school buses jamming up the roads
3. I'm taking the next 3 days off of work
4. My hair looks fabulous today
5. I didn't get a single cut from shaving my legs this morning
6. There are raspberries in my fridge
7. It'll be a thousand degrees with 100% humidity outside, and I have a/c (suckas!)
8. Paris Hilton is a way better person now

Please feel free to share why today is a good day for you too, and then we can all feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Whoa!

2007-06-22T15:28:00.000-05:00

Why I drink decaf

2007-06-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

I was mentioning to Main Man just the other day how the summer of 2007 appears to have spawned the craziest, stupidest spiders I've ever seen.

For starters, they're spinning webs in the most unlikely places where they're sure to either fall apart or been torn apart by moving objects in a jiffy. I watched one of these 2007 spiders try repeatedly to spin a web between a deck chair and a flapping table parasol. It just wasn't working, but he wasn't giving up, even though there was a perfectly suitable second chair that would better serve his purpose. Or me, even. I was, afterall, just sitting there watching him, completely immobile.

And then I remembered reading something about a test where they jacked up some spiders with different drugs and watched the web-spinning results. Interestingly, the worst web spun was the one made by the spider on caffeine. He was just too hyper too organize his thoughts. It made me wonder how well our house has been built, given the number of Tim Horton's coffee cups strewn about during the construction process.

So I've come to the conclusion, based on the spider webs I've seen this season, that fucked up spiders can be another item added to the Environmental Things To Worry About list, right alongside global warming and disappearing bees. Clearly, something has gone very, very wrong here.

For your entertainment, here's a look at what the jacked-up spiders created:

Quite by accident...

2007-06-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

I have discovered a new favourite cd that I just can't stop playing. And it comes from quite an unexpected source.

Her name is Theresa Sokyrka, and she was the Canadian Idol runner-up from a couple of seasons ago. I do remember catching one of those episodes and hearing her sing. I commented on the super quality of her voice, and how I'd like to hear her do some jazzy-folk stuff, because it would suit her perfectly.

But I was watching Canadian Idol, so I never gave her a second thought.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was meandering through iTunes and came across her name. I remembered her from that Idol episode and checked her out. The song samples intrigued me, so I downloaded the cd. I played it once, and thought "Heeeey, that's not bad".

Then I played it again, and realized there was a lot more going on on this cd than I first noticed. So I played it yet again. And again and again and again. It's one of those albums that just grows on you, until you realize just how fucking brilliant it is.

It's also one of those discoveries that MUST be shared. Granted, the cd came out almost a year ago (or maybe more), but unless you're living in Saskatchewan, or are a die-hard Canadian Idol fan, you've probably never heard of her.

From what I understand, her first cd was a commercial pop thingie. This one, her second, was written entirely by her, and she was behind all the production decisions. She's got some big names and talent involved, and it shows. It's called "Something is Expected".

Like most truly awesome albums, the songs that turn out to be the gems are not the ones that get radio play. You need to check out the in-between stuff.

Okay. I'm all done cramming this down your throat. But seriously... check it out.

Free-range coffee

2007-06-20T10:06:00.001-05:00

I try to buy organic foods as much as possible. Lately, my favourite store has made this easier by providing more organic stuff that not only the filthy rich can afford.

Last week, I bought organic coffee. Now, I can enjoy my daily morning decaf, comforted by the thought that the coffee beans I'm consuming were grown without chemicals, and free to roam the hills of Columbia. No caged, hormone-injected coffee beans for me. No sir. I've got happy beans.

The Pivoting Stage

2007-06-08T10:30:00.001-05:00

After brushing my teeth or washing my face, I used to blindly reach directly to my left for the hand towel. It was reliably there, every time. If I accidentally knocked it off the rack while reaching with my eyes closed, I'd simply reach back-and-left for my bath towel on the back of the door. I could do this in my sleep, which in fact was often the case first thing in the morning.

Now, it's all backwards. My new hand towel rack is to my right, and my "Plan B" bath towel is 180 degrees behind me, and a few steps away.

Every day for the past week, after using the bathroom sink, I've reached to the left, only to wave my hand in mid-air. My automatic reaction is to then reach back-and-left... more air. I'm forced to keep pivoting to my left until I eventually locate the hand towel.

Ever spin around in a circle with your eyes closed in unfamiliar surroundings first thing in the morning?

Yeah. Exactly. Keep the bandaids close, is all I have to say.

p.s. - The same is true for the kitchen, especially when there are two of you in there, pivoting out of control. Keep the icepacks close too.

Now... where were we?

2007-06-05T08:52:00.000-05:00

Hey, you know what rocks? A new house, that's what!

We moved in a few days ago, following a month-long Stress Fest. Still some unpacking to do, and our new bedroom furniture hasn't arrived yet, so we're sleeping on a mattress on the floor (which is kinda cool, in a "remember the old days?" way). But generally, we're settled in.

I do have a couple of adventures to relay, but little time to do it just yet. Okay, I'll tell you about one. I'm part proud, part guilty. Here's the deal:

You may remember that I bought an awesome a/c unit last summer (R2D2). Well, we've got central a/c in the new house, so I have no need for the unit anymore. I asked the new folks moving into our old place if they wanted it. He asked how much, and I blurted out $500, since I was sure I had paid over $600 just a year before, and it had only been used for a couple of months.

The guy agreed on the spot, and a fabulous sale was made. Later that week, while packing up stuff, I stumbled across the receipt for the unit.... $462.00. So I made a profit. On a used item. I've never done that before. It's kinda cool. And it's also kinda wrong. (But in a cool way, still).

Oh fuck it. Who am I kidding? It's WAY cool!! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! (But it's wrong. Soooo wrong).

Oh, and one of our movers was drunk. It wasn't funny at the time, and I really wanted to kick him in the teeth and spray some Febreze on his stinkin' self, but now that it's all over and nothing was broken, dropped, or rammed through a wall, I think it's kinda funny afterall. They moved us at 7:30am, and I know he must've wanted to puke by noon. That's payback enough for me.

Step Son arrives in mid-July for 7 weeks, so I'm looking forward to regaling you with his silliness again. He's 11 now... 12 in September. They're still silly at that age, right?

American Idol - It's over! WOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!

2007-05-23T21:09:00.000-05:00

I didn't bother to post after last week, because it was a given that Jordin was taking it all. Still, I felt compelled and "invested", so I sat through the 2-hour (plus) finale tonight.

Some observations:

1. On Joe Perry performing with Sanjaya: Dude, wtf? Do you need a little help? A little cash, maybe? Are you indebted to Clive Davis for something?

2. Taylor Hicks is still really, really fun to watch.

3. Bette Midler would never have made it past the initial auditions with that performance.

4. A Sgt Pepper revival? Why?

5. I should have written these thoughts down, because I've forgotten what transpired throughout the rest of the show, and I'm pretty sure I had some really funny comments to share.

So here we are. American Idol is over, and we sign off on the new house TOMORROW (!!!!!!!). Moving day is May 30th. And then soon after, my life will be back to normal. Yay!

American Idol - 3 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-05-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

Yay! No guest mentor looking to plug a new cd, or pimping themselves to revive a career that dried up 40 years go. This time, it's a fast-paced parade of songs from the last 3 contestants standing, and it has turned out to be relatively entertaining. It's also an organic episode, with very little fillers.

JORDIN: Judges' Pick: This song's bringing out the pop quality in her voice. It's making me believe she can really win this. Simon says he doesn't like the jazzy vibe to the song arrangement, but I think it's actually showcasing exactly the type of sound that suits her best. She moves well to this, compared to other styles of music......... Producers' Pick: She's having trouble moving around in her Gene Simmons KISS shoes, but she's nailing the vocal part. She also seems to have matured a lot. Gone is the giggling bubblegum teen on speed. She has simmered it down to "bubbly".............. Jordin's Pick: She chose a memorable one. She sang it well. All eyes are on her. The audience loves her. Given all of that, I'd say it was a success. But Simon is dissing her, and now she's attempting an unfunny retort. Sshhhhh, Jordin. Quit while you're ahead, sweetie.

BLAKE: Judges' Pick: I called it! I called it! Who called it? I DID!! Weeks ago, I said he should do Roxanne. Obviously, the Idol cast and producers are reading my blog. I'm very flattered. Unfortunately, he's not doing as well as I'd hoped. LOVE his voice, but his movements seem laboured.............. Producers' Pick: Oh yeah! Perfect song for him. He's looking very relaxed up there. Adam Levine wishes he could sing this as well live. This is spot-on. Perfect................. Blake's Pick: Half-way through the song, I actually forgot this was A.I. I was watching intently, and was thoroughly entertained. I love that this guy knows music and is progressive.

MELINDA: Judges' Pick: What, no crowd showed up for Mel? That's not a good sign. I'm not sure why the hell Randy picked a Whitney song. It's so far off of her natural key. Is he setting her up for failure? Maybe they're paving the way for Jordin. I'm not digging this. The judges are pretending to gush, but I'm not buying it. They have an ulterior motive................. Producers' Pick: Tina Turner. Much better choice than Whitney. BUT, they're not doing her any favours, because 93% of Idol viewers have never heard this song. Seriously, I'm convinced they're trying to sabotage her voting power........................ Mel's Pick: Ah, there's the crowd! We're also seeing the first ever sign of emotion from her. I preferred the first time she sang this. It was a nice surprise at the time, but now it seems contrived. And the back-up singers are wearing way flashier outfits than her.

I have a feeling it might very well be Jordin and Blake in the final. Or at least, if based on tonight, it should be. Jordin's the best pop material left; Blake's got tons of progressive commercial potential; and Mel's market is the older crowd.

Whatever the outcome, the bottom line is that I get my life back after next week. WOOO-HOOO!!!!!!!

American Idol - the final 4

2007-05-09T05:54:00.000-05:00

The Idol theme nights could really use a makeover. I thought that last season proved once and for all that Disco night was painful for everyone involved, but last night someone dusted off Barry Gibb, and I plunked down in my TV chair to watch the whole mess.

MELINDA: Song #1: Why so stationary, Mel? How can you not dance around to disco on stage? Great vocals, but a boring performance. Song #2: THERE she is! She's channeling Gladys Knight again (but her voice seems to have risen a few octaves...?). She looks like she's lost of bit of energy this week. Maybe she's bored with the whole thing too.

BLAKE: Song #1: Oh yikes. Yikes, yikes, yikes. That falsetto... it's just not working for me. You can't compete with the BeeGees in that department. Oh my, this is just getting sillier and sillier by the note. The beatboxing has entered "annoying" territory. And now he's doing the brass solos with his voice. I'm not digging this. Not digging it at all. Song #2: Hey... I just noticed the new skunk line in his hair. I preferred the dark mane, but at this point, I don't think it matters what he does to his hair. I think he's killing himself tonight. It's NEVER a good idea to choose an obscure song. Surely he must have known that by now? He's sucking pretty badly.

Lakisha: Song #1: Hmmm.... she's funked the song up a bit. Sounds okay, I guess. She's afraid to hit those higher notes. Don't blame her. She's dancing around, but her face is showing doubt and discomfort. Maybe it's the shoes. Song #2: Oh dear. I see she brought her boobs out for some air again. Simon really likes that. Whoa. She's nailing this song.

Jordin: Song #1: Yep... pretty awesome performance. That's not easy to do when one is wearing a curtain. Song #2: Holy crap... I guess Barry Gibb highly endorses Jordin! Hmmmm.... she's a little heavy on the whining. And the volume knob as well. It's a mess.

Right. One more week to go. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a looooooooooooong season.

American Idol - (still) 6 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-05-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

Wait... Am I the only one laughing here? Jon Bon Jovi: "singing coach"?

Pwaaaaaah-ha-ha-ha!!!!! No, seriously. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Stop!!! Heeeeeeee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeee!!

Okay, okay.... Next week, Roseanne Barr will be "etiquette coach".

Pwaaaaaaaaaaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!!

Okay, okay. Enough of the silliness. Back to serious business...

PHIL: Blaze of Glory. Poor guy thinks every week is his last week, and he picks his songs according to the message they send, and how they'd sound as the final "goodbye" song when the credits roll on Wednesday. You know, this is yet another cowboy hat opportunity lost. He's a little high-pitch, and a little dramatic. But he's getting praises from the judges, and lots of love from the audience.

JORDIN: Ah yes... I remember exactly where I was when Livin' on a Prayer first hit the Montreal airwaves. I saw Bon Jovi in concert a few months later and jumped up and down with abandon when they performed this song. Fast-forward to 2007, and I still want to jump around when I hear this anthem. No-doubt one of the most memorable songs in rock history. Jordin's really not doing it justice. C'mon, girl. Move around already! Rock it! Jump! Stomp! Christ, the girl is bolted to the stage. Seriously... she should've worn flats instead and taken this tune for a spin. She could've had the entire audience up on their feet.

LAKISHA: Whoa. I mean... whoa. Pretty awesome performance, I must say. Oh look, Simon wants a kiss. He's going on and on about her lips, and his eyes have glazed over. I think she just gave Simon a chubby.

BLAKE: Hmmm.... a new twist to the song. Let's see how this goes. He's keeping the original chorus. Smart, very smart. Don't mess with that. Hey... this is way more entertaining than the usual stuff. I think it's brilliant! And I like the dark hair, too. Yep... I'd say he totally pulled this off. He's quickly becoming my favourite.

CHRIS: Uh-oh. The normally articulate guy is tongue-tied during the intro on stage with Ryan. He must be nervous, which means he must not feel very confident about his upcoming performance. Yikes... this song should be more from the gut, less from the nose. Oh wait... his throat is a little smoky now. Good, good. If he keeps it up, he'll do okay. Nope... he's running out of gas. He looks good rockin' it out, though.

MELINDA: Oh, how cute. She's not sure how to move to this music, but she's sure showing the right attitude!

Two of them are going on Wednesday. Last week, I thought it would be Lakisha. But she'll have generated enough votes this week to get back in the middle of the pack. I have no idea who's in trouble this time... Phil & Chris, perhaps?

American Idol - the night the world was saved

2007-04-25T06:30:00.000-05:00

Oh my, the circus atmosphere is certainly gone now that Sanjaya has left the building. It actually feels like a competition now, and when you couple that with Paula's new-found sanity, along with all the serious videos of starving children.... well, it's hard to make fun of anything Idol these days. And making fun of Idol is what it's really all about, isn't it?

I'm afraid my take is a rather tame one, but here it is anyway:

Chris: This song suits him. And hey... there's an extra spark about him tonight. He's looking very good indeed.

Melinda: I don't know the original, but I suspect she's making Faith Hill sound like a blanketed whimper. And she's looking faboo tonight!

Blake: Perfect. A subtle, understated performance... letting the song take the spotlight. I'm really digging his voice. Oh great... Paula's echoing everything I'm saying so far tonight. See what I mean? This show's just no fun anymore!

Lakisha: Hmmm... I remember the very first time Fantasia sang this in the finale... there was TONS of feeling, emotion, and energy. Lakisha's version comes nowhere close... she's just standing there, kinda fizzling away. I think she's in trouble tomorrow.

Phil: Ugh... a bit too much whining. It's him or Lakisha tomorrow. Oh wait... Simon just did his damnedest to endorse him. That means one of two things: He's suddenly discovered Phil could make him a lot of money singing country, and he's trying to keep him on the show. Or, he knows too well that this is Phil's last night, so he's being extra nice and gentle with him.

Jordin: Is she gonna cry?? She's gonna cry. The song's on the cheesy side, and I swear she just channeled Cher back there. Ouch. That final note was painful. Randy said what????? "Best vocals on this show EVER"????? Wtf? No way!!! Holy crap, they're really pushing for this girl to win.

American Idol - 7 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-04-17T20:12:00.000-05:00

Country nite. Oh boy. That's always a tough one for me. The finger is never far from the mute button, know what I mean? ... in case someone sings bluegrass, or hands Kellie Pickler a mic again.

The evening went a little something like this:

Phil: He's so very much at ease tonight. Not sure if it's because he's comfortable with this genre, or if it's because he's convinced tonight's his final performance and he just isn't worried anymore. This is really suiting him. The judges are loving him, and I'm glad he's having a good night tonight.

Jordin: For a kid, she's singing this with lots of authentic feeling and maturity. Very impressive. I don't know the original, but I'm guessing she's nailing this. Great final note!

Sideshow Bob: Dear god, the kid has zero stage presence. He must know he's an international joke, right? Seriously. It's starting to break my heart. Oh look... Ryan's rushing in to shield him from Simon's comments. I hear Sanjaya was booed at a recent ball game while his face was splattered on the big screen. That's gotta hurt. He's either extremely naive, or has the skin of a rhino.

Lakisha: Enh.... this isn't really suiting her voice. She should've done Dolly Parton's (and then later Whitney's) "I Will Always Love You". She'd have killed at that. With what I'm hearing here, I wouldn't be surprised to see her in the bottom 3 tomorrow... while Sanjaya sits safely on the bench, of course.

Chris: Well, he's sure got that country whine down pat. I think he might be pulling it off, though. I can't really tell, because I don't usually connect with this type of music, and my fingers are in my ears.

Melinda: Wow! She looks under 30 tonight! Goodness, is there NOTHING this woman can't sing?? Hey, this is fun! I am entertained.

Blake: I really like this guy, and I hope he ends up in the final. He and Melinda are the most professional and skilled performers up there.

Well there you go. I made it through another Country night. I must admit that this season was less painful than other seasons past. I think it's also the first season there isn't a specifically pegged "Country singer" in the group, for which I am grateful.

I honestly have no clue who will likely go tomorrow...

Eviction notice

2007-04-17T06:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Winter,

While I realize that you had a late start this year, I'm afraid that doesn't justify your sticking around late to finish your work. You were given very clear parameters within which to get your shit done, and it's your problem if you can't get your show on the road within this timeframe.

I have been in contact with Spring, and she has agreed to work quickly in order to vacate the region in time for Summer as scheduled. Consider yourself lucky, Winter, that it's in Spring's nature to be so kind. Fall might not have been so receptive to your infringing on his alloted time.

You have until the end of this week to flex any remaining muscles you wish. You are fully expected to retire and vacate the premises by this weekend. You may leave some of your crap behind if necessary; Spring will clean it up, as usual.

So long,

Berry

Oh my, I've been tagged!

2007-04-15T14:49:00.000-05:00

It's my very first time! And I must say, it doesn't hurt one bit. Dale has started a fun stroll down Musical Lane, and I'm joining the conga line.

What was the first recorded music you bought?

I don't have a clue who sang this, but it was a French ditty on a 45 called "Skippy le Kangourou", picked up at the check-out counter of a grocery store when I was about 9. It was simply the French version of the popular "Skippy the Kangaroo" TV theme song, and I knew it by heart. I believe I may have paid $0.50 for it.... pretty much 1/2 of my allowance at the time.

What was the last music you bought?

You're gonna love this: "Just a Little Taste of Mexican Music, Vol 1". I downloaded the cd off iTunes a few weeks ago because we were having a Mexican feast for my neice's 17th birthday, and I thought the occasion called for some stereotypical Mexican Hat type tunage in the background. A good time was had by all.

What was the first "professional" music show you ever went to?

When I was 10, my mom took me to see René Simard at the local arena. This guy was the Donny Osmond of Quebec... a brilliantly talented singing star at a very young age, and later a teen heartthrob. He's still a celebrity around here, and has dedicated his life to music and the arts. In an unfortunate twist of fate, he and his wife would have 2 children, both of whom are deaf.

My first rock concert was Journey, in Montreal in 1981. I wore out my lighter during Anyway You Want It.

What was the last?

Roger Hodgson in November. I don't get out much.

What's your "desert island" album?

Oh wow. If I had to grab one without the time to thoroughly think it through (because of all the drama of the boat sinking and all), I'd probably head straight for Seal's first album. It's probably one of the few albums I own that I can listen to in its entirety a couple of times a year, and still enjoy every single track.

What's your favorite album/song title? (the *title*, not the actual album or song).

I cannot say honestly, because I have my own nicknames for songs and albums. I know. It's weird, but it works for me. I can't even give you an example, because I can't think of the real song name! Oh wait... lemme just pick up a cd and give you one..... okay. Here we go: Eagle Eye Cherry's "Save Tonight", is known as "The Candlelight Song" in my house. (Told you it was weird)...

What's your favourite album art (include an image of it if you can)?

You know, the bulk of my music purchases during the last few years has been online, so my only point of reference to answer this question is my collection of albums pre-iTunes. Which isn't very fair to the newcomers, because I'm sure they may have spent all kinds of money designing the perfect album cover that I never bothered to see. However, if I must refer to the oldies, I'd pick Kansas' "Point of Know Return". I spent many teenage days staring and analyzing that cover. It was mesmerizing. Have a look-see:

Ideal choice for a Karaoke song?

I don't believe there is such a thing. Really, I don't.

Song you don't like that WILL NOT LEAVE YOUR HEAD if you hear it.

Ooooh, nice try. I almost fell for that one. Just naming it would probably start the agonizing process.

Which is cooler? -- Vinyl? CD? Cassette? 8-track?

I'm gonna go ahead and bring this thread into the latest century and say mp3.

Yay!!! I did it!! Please do feel free to post your own responses in the Comments, or link us to your bloggity-blog.

All is right with the world again...

2007-04-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

I've scanned my last few posts and realized that lately, I've been sounding a bit, well... not so sunshiney.

But this morning, I have reason to rejoice! The window shutter incident from yesterday is finally resolved, for one. But more importantly, that cookie-cutter no-talent would-do-better-as-a-car-show-model Haley What's-Her-Name (Scarpachi? Scarnatta? Scrappolla?) was booted off American Idol last night.

YAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why yes... I'd love a valium, thanks!

2007-04-11T13:13:00.000-05:00

Hey, you know what? The next time someone tells you how "exciting" or "wonderful" and "full of promise" it is to build a house, slap them... slap them hard... and then tell them to go fuck themselves.

We've got 6 weeks to go before it's all done, and I'm sincerely hoping this time remains homicide-free. Because as of today, I'm not sure I can guarantee that, at least not in my fantasies.

And never, ever, ever in my whole life would I have thought that one day, I'd be living one of my most stressful times EVER, and all because of some wrongly-sized window shutters. Yes, window shutters, of all things. I know!

The big things are no problem. It's the little things... the seemingly insignificant things... they're the ones that send the whole world into chaos.

Window shutters. Fuck. Me.

American Idol - 8 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-04-10T20:34:00.000-05:00

Well looky here. J-Lo (are we allowed to still call her that?) makes an appearance without her corpse groom. Do you miss the spotlight, Jenny? Is it good to be admired again? All by yourself? Did you take the opportunity to flirt with some men a little... just a little...? Are you missing Skeletor right now? I bet you aren't. What? Why are you denying this? Oh, I see... he's somewhere out of camera range, isn't he. He's watching you. Yes, I should have known. Well then, on to other things...

Melinda: It's a classic, but boring-in-this-context, song. She seems a little old here. Latin Night coulda used a little more spice. She's so very likable when she speaks, though. Normally, she comes off as shy and submissive, but when interviewed, she's surprisingly fast on her feet with a sharp wit.

Lakisha: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more jiggle than I signed up for. Holy cow, girl. I'm not even talking about boobage here. I'm talking back fat. Jiggling, wiggling, too-much-of-it-for-this-dress back fat. She looks like she ran out of energy 1/2-way through the song, too.

Chris: Yikes. Rough start. He gets into it eventually and sounds & looks more comfortable. You know, he's becoming a pretty good entertainer as he gains experience.

Haley: Shut up! Shut up! Shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil: He really can sing, but the judges are always trying to make it painfully obvious that they don't like the guy. I'm also beginning to suspect that in reality, he has no eyebrows. None. They fell out with the rest of his hair. The ones we see are painted on. Aren't they? Yeah... they have to be.

Jordin: Nope. Not doing it for me. She needs a choreographer. And her voice has a "bleating goat" quality to it tonight that's really rubbing me the wrong way.

Blake: There we go. The first authentic performance so far tonight. He's a natural up there. But is he gay? I can't quite figure him out.

Sanjaya: Wait.... did he...? He did, didn't he. He cut his hair????????????? Is he out of his fucking mind???????????? It was the only thing keeping him here!! Aw man, that was really stupid, and it's gonna cost him tomorrow. Whoa... maybe not. He's finally showcasing his voice. He's not standing or trying to dance (smart); it's a smooth song (perfect); and he got J-Lo's support (brilliant). Oh my... he got Simon's sort-of support too.

I think Phil will kick the bucket this week. And I think Phil knows it too.

Remember this Day... Part 2

2007-04-10T15:03:00.000-05:00

Surprise, surprise. Larry Dickhead is, in fact, Anna Nicole's baby-daddy.

The end.

Oh dear GOD... let this be the end of it.

Delayed gratification

2007-04-06T11:34:00.000-05:00

What's worse than waiting almost a year to finally see Little Miss Sunshine?

I'll tell you...

How about missing it in the theatres, then missing it in the video stores when it first came out (because it was ALWAYS rented), then finally snagging a copy, then gathering lots of yummy food and sitting down to watch it, then clicking play, then really really really really really enjoying it, then getting nervous near the end when the dvd starts to act up, then MISSING THE END OF THE MOVIE because the last fucking person to rent the dvd got their slimey, grubby, snotty fingers all over it and messed it UP!!!!

So yeah... that's what's worse than waiting almost a year. Now I will have waited almost a year plus one day, because I'm gonna have to whine to the teenage video store manager about the fucked up dvd and get another copy for free to watch tonight.

Have you seen it? It's so damn good. I hear the ending's pretty awesome too.

American Idol: 9 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-04-04T09:15:00.000-05:00

******Oh no! I've been a busy girl, and haven't had time to post about this ~~yet~~. I'll have it done by ~~this afternoon~~ ~~later today~~, ~~I swear!~~ ~~maybe~~ NEVER. I will have it done by never.

I will not be posting about last night's episode. I give up trying to find the time.******

Okay, just a quick minute.... I will say this: It was SO much fun watching Tony Bennett put Haley in her place when she kicked off her mentoring session by slutting up a classic song!

Remember this Day

2007-04-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

Today is the day. The day you'll remember with friends and family. It will be etched into your emotional history forever. You'll remember exactly where you were, and what you were doing when the news hit.

You'll remember what the world was like, before we knew the truth. The horrible, inevitable truth.

Right now, as I type, people of the world are sitting on the edge of their seats. We've waited so long... so patiently... and it will all be revealed to us today. I look around me now. I want to remember exactly what it was like, when I was still ignorant... before I knew.

I'm having difficulty grasping what it will all be like, later today. This type of truth has never been bestowed on us before, so there's just no telling. But one thing's for sure: It will change us. It will change us good.

Today... April 3rd, 2007... we will know who Anna Nicole's baby-daddy really is.

Did you just get goosebumps? I just got goosebumps.

Fluffy Chris is flattened

2007-03-28T21:09:00.000-05:00

So, not only does Sanjaya appear to be immune to the bottom 3, but now Helen appears to be unkillable as well.

Wait, did I say Helen? I meant Heidi.

Phil is quickly becoming a fixture in the bottom 3, and it's looking like ~~Heidi~~ Holly will be joining him on a regular basis, but only for dramatic effect. She is clearly not going anywhere. It's become pretty obvious that whoever the third person is to join them on center stage next week will be the one to go.

The only question then is who gets to be the first to be sent back to safety: Phil, or Hannah?

Eventually, there will be only Phil and Hillary left in the grand finale. Phil will inevitably get the boot, and Heather will be crowned the newest American Idol.

Way to go, Hilda!

American Idol - 10 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-03-27T20:24:00.000-05:00

When I heard Gwen Stephani was the celebrity guest coach mentor thingie, I thought tonight would be a disaster. I just couldn't picture (for example) Lakisha attempting anything remotely related to Ska.

It seems the show producers were thinking along the same lines, because the contestants got to pick songs from people who "influenced Gwen" as well. Good call, fellas. I also suspect that Donna Summer was thrown in there for fun, because I can't for the life of me picture Ms. Stephani actually listing her as one of her influences. I guess they wanted to give Lakisha and Melinda something to shine with.

Anyway, without further ado...

Lakisha: Great vocals, but a wee bit predictable, I guess.

Fluffy Chris: Wow, a Police song. That can't be easy. Whoa... dude has zero rhythm. He gets all screwed up when he tries to move across the stage. (Steve Martin in The Jerk much?) Paula just summed it all up best... and I can't believe I just said that.

Goth Gina: She's actually sounding a million times better than the original. She's looking sexy, too, in a rock n' roll way... less highschool goth. Good job!

Sanjaya: HAAAAA-haha-ha!!!!!!!!!! Oh, bless you, Sanjaya! Seriously, you made my day! You know, you're way too young to remember this, but.... oh fuck it, I won't even try to explain it. Just.... here, look:

Haley: Oh brother. She's soooooooo dramatic. Very soap-opera-y. She needs to be singing at some "fund raising" faith revival somewhere, hamming it up for the cameras.

Phil: He's sounding pretty good. But there's way too much make-up happening here. Ugly hat, too. Can't someone find this guy a decent hat???

Melinda: Yeah-yeah... it's flawless. No surprise there. I'm not digging that outfit, though.

Blake: Oh, I love The Cure. I thought for sure he'd pick a Police song. Don't you just want to see him sing Roxanne? He could totally rock that. So hey... he's not beat-boxing (hence the omission in his name tonight). Very good change of pace. This is working.

Jordin: I keep wanting her to move a little more, and then I remember that she's only 17. Maybe the sex appeal vibe just isn't there yet. But vocally, she's pulling this off. Again, though, her speed-laden bubbliness is rubbing me the wrong way. She needs to tone down that excitability a notch or six.

The Other Chris: Yep. I'm really liking the new added percussion to the arrangement. Oopsie, he forgot some words, but this is turning out pretty good. You know, the song's a good 10 years old now. He could record this version today and it'd be a hit.

I know I've mentioned Paula's newly coherent behaviour before, but I've been avoiding going so far as to say this: She's making more sense than Simon. There. I said it. And it's freaking me out a bit.

I hope you Americans are voting for Sanjaya, because I've GOT to see what this kid does next week...

Stephanie, we hardly knew ye!

2007-03-22T06:07:00.000-05:00

Wow. Can't say that I'm shocked at the voting results, but I am certainly disappointed.

The hilarious thing is that Sanjaya has made it into the Top 10, which means he's locked in for the Idol tour. It will be like the circus traveling with their very own clown-in-a-small-car for comic relief.

American Idol - 11 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-03-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

British Invasion night. This could go either way. Let's see...

Haley: Get the hell up off the stairs. This isn't a sit-down song. That's better. Oh, I see. Um... get yourself an underwire bra, too. Yikes, she's putting a little too much "sexy" out there. Jesus Christ, she almost gave the front row a lap dance! Oh my god, it's getting worse. She's doing boobie shakes! The judges are saying things like "girlish quality" and "young, fun". WTF???

The Other Chris: Yeah, I'm tired of the whole boy-band, nuts-in-a-vise alto thing, but I suppose he's very "now", and all the tweens are loving him, so I'm sure he's in it for the long haul (kind of like this sentence). That, and he's got those eyes. And that smile. And those eyes. And that height. And that smile.

Stephanie: You know, she's performing this perfectly - it's looking authentic. She doesn't have the best voice, but when she sings the words "believe me", I do. Aw, look... she's taking the judges' negative criticism like a champ. Again, I'm SO impressed with her maturity for her 19 years.

Beatbox Blake: Wow! Great voice control. It's weird... he's sexy one minute, and then suddnely, he's this geek in plaid pants doing the robot dance. I must say, though... awesome voice. There's a little Sting quality to it. And hey, he even looks like him a bit.

Laki(ki)sha: Bravo, Kiki. Bravo. God damn. Bra-freakin-VO, girl! Simon didn't like it because he can't make candy-pop albums out of that performance. But you, girl, will make zillions with that voice!

Phil: Hey... is that stubble on his head? Good, good. It tames the shine. It's certainly a lively performance, but I'm not digging it. It's, I dunno.... "messy". He's in severe danger tomorrow.

Jordin: Uh-oh... I'm nervous about this one. This is not usually a good tempo for her. Well, well.... she's making it work. Holy cow! She's REALLY making it work! Well-emoted, too. She doesn't have the maturity of Stephanie, though, and her tweenish, speedy "Like, omigod!" way of talking is annoying.

Sanjaya: Is everyone else as uncomfortable as me? Please make it stop. He's scaring that little girl.

Goth Gina: This is not working. At all.

Fluffy Chris: Ooooh, perfect song for his voice! I SO love to hear him sing. It's a very "clean" tone. I didn't like the dance move attempts, but really liked this performance in general.

Melinda: I'm a little bored with the song, but I could listen to that voice for days.

Tonight's nod goes to Ashley, the little crying girl. And to her future therapist.

Deja vu

2007-03-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

We just had our second major blizzard in one month. I don't remember having this many blizzards within the first 8 years of my life, nevermind within a month.

So anyway, just a quick recap, because you heard it all during the last one, and this one doesn't warrant any new headlines.

It snowed very heavily.... blah blah.... strong winds... blah blah...... snow-covered windows..... yadda yadda...... buried cars...... blah blah.... lots of shoveling...... blah blah.

I remain sad and golfless.

You're just too needy

2007-03-16T15:37:00.000-05:00

Hello, People Magazine. It's me... Berry.

Listen, we need to talk. I just got your letter in the mail today. Your fifth "Final Expiration Notice". For the love of god, PM... isn't it a bit much? Hasn't this dragged on long enough?

You need to let go, PM. I've already explained it all to you before, but you're just not hearing it. I used to like you. I used to like you a lot. Yeah, okay... maybe I even loved you. But things change, you know? People change. No, no... I mean "people" in general. I know you didn't change.

Actually, that was part of the problem. You grew stale, PM. And I wanted to move forward. I had to break away.

I was never going to tell you this, but since you refuse to let go, I'm going to have to be blunt. I used to cheat on you all the time, PM. That's right. Right under your nose. I'd be all over the 'net, getting my fix on other sites and on occasion, with other magazines. Look, I just couldn't help it. You weren't fulfilling my needs. What else was I supposed to do??

So please.... please leave me alone now, okay? I'll tell you right now that I haven't even opened your last 3 letters. Nope. Chucked them right into the trash. So don't bother writing to me anymore. You're just making a damn fool of yourself.

I'm moving in a couple of months, and you won't have my address anymore. Hopefully, you'll also be able to move on. Forget about me, PM. I'm just not attracted to you anymore.

Best,

Berry

There are some things money can't dye

2007-03-12T16:05:00.000-05:00

Romantic trip to Rome: $13,000.00

Stylish leather over-the-shoulder man-purse: $1,500.00

The look on John Mayer's face when he realizes that his hot blond girlfriend has morphed into Paula Abdul: Priceless.

Photo: inf

Don't Look Back

2007-03-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

This man was the voice behind the soundtrack of my youth:

Don't recognize him? Yeah, he had a bit more of a 'fro going on 30 years ago, but I'm sure you'd recognize his voice in an instant. He's Brad Delp, lead singer for Boston. And he passed away on Friday... found dead in his home, alone. Not sure what happened yet, but there you have it.

I'm not trying to list a bunch of dead guys on my blog. It's just sort of turning out that way this week.

Anyway, R.I.P., Brad.

Whoa.... didn't see THAT coming

2007-03-11T20:17:00.000-05:00

R.I.P., Richard Jeni. Thanks for the laughs.

Maybe I need a new battery

2007-03-10T08:03:00.000-05:00

Thursday night, my car froze to death.

I tried to start her up Friday morning, only to discover the battery was dead. And I mean completely dead... not an ounce of juice left. Strange, since my car is only 2 years old.

Luckily, I drive a Saturn. It comes with a very handy roadside assistance guarantee. No matter where I am in Canada, I can simply dial the 1-800 number etched on my keychain and say "Help!", and they send help. For free.

So I called them up from home and asked them if a dead battery in my driveway qualifies for "roadside assistance". It did, and within 40 minutes, a tow truck pulled up. The guy gave me a boost, and instructed me to just let it idle for 15 minutes, then take it out for a spin. My problem should be solved. I asked, "Really? I don't need a new battery?" He said no, I should be fine. Yay!

I did exactly that, and then stopped somewhere for an errand. I cut the engine, went inside, and when I returned, I had a dead battery again. Fuck.

I wasn't far from our office, so I called Main Man from my cel and said "Help!". Luckily, he also offers free roadside assistance. He arrived within a few minutes and gave me a boost. He felt my battery probably needed more than just a boost. Perhaps I should take it to a place to get it properly charged. "Really? I don't need a new battery?" He said no, it probably just needs a serious charge. Yay!

So we drove both our cars to a battery place in our neighbourhood, and the guy told us it would probably need to charge for quite a while... like overnight. Thing is, it was Friday, and they'd be closed until Monday. Not the ideal solution. Still, he came out to the car (which I had left running, because I'm smart like that), and took a look at my battery. "Oh," he said. "This looks new! How old is this car?" So I told him. "That's not right," he said. "Something's not right here. Might be electrical." "Really?" I asked. "I don't need a new battery?" He said no. I should take the car to the dealer and see what's up.

So we drove both our cars to the Saturn dealer across town. I left my car running, because I'm smart like that. I talked to the service guy, and he listened and said, "Sounds like the blah-blah-blah. Your battery's probably fine, but the blah-blah-blah could be draining it. We might just need to change the blah-blah-blah." "Really?" I asked. "I don't need a new battery?" He said probably not, but he'd have a look this afternoon, and hopefully they'd be able to resolve the problem before they close for the weekend at 5pm. Yay!

So I left my car there, and rode home with Main Man. By now, it was mid-day.

At 4pm, the Saturn guy calls. "Hi Berry. Your car's ready. Yeah, so it turns out your battery needed changing. So we put in a new battery."

Huh. You don't say.

The Big Thaw

2007-03-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

It's supposed to start happening today. The moment we've been waiting for. Nay, PLEADING for.

It's still -25 out there right now, but the weatherman has promised us that this is it... it's all over as of today... we're coming out of the deep freeze for true this time.

We should be seeing -8 by this afternoon (that's about 18 F.). And then... and then... 5 to 12 degrees for the next 7 days!!!! WOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!! Sorry, sorry... that's 40's and 50's in Americkese.

Snow will be melting. Birds will be singing. And I will be polishing my golf clubs.

American Idol - The Girls, week 3

2007-03-07T21:23:00.000-05:00

I have no complaints. Tonight was fun! Let's get right down to it, shall we?

Jordin: Yep. She really shines when she rocks it out. Way better than the guys. And she's just. so. beautiful. I think she'll be safe tomorrow.

Sabrina: Have I mentioned, waaaaaay better than the guys? I like this song, and she moves well on the stage. The judges are saying the exact opposite. Clearly, they're on drugs. She did a great job.

Antonella: Yikes. Her voice is not nearly "clear" enough to sing Corinne. She's (hopefully) gone tomorrow. But wait a minute... the judges are being incredibly soft on her. Oh yeah, that's right. They're trippin' tonight. Except Simon. Yay, Simon! He's telling it like it is... it's the end of the road for her (or at least, it should be).

Haley: Bye, Haley.

Stephanie: You know what? I think she's this season's dark horse. Very talented, great stage presence, very professional. Remember, she's only 19! She's gonna give the shoo-ins a run for their money. She'll keep them on their toes.

Lakisha: She's pulling off Whitney like nobody's business, and she's making it look totally effortless. Holy cow her family's hilarious! (Lakisha: "Oh my god, I told 'em don't act up!"). This girl will make lots of $$$, with or without Idol.

Goth Gina: The latest Evanescence hit. Hmmm... it suits her, but she's shouting it, and she's running out of steam near the end. I like her, though, and really hope she makes it tomorrow.

Melinda: From roaring woman to cowardly mouse. Ryan's urging her to "own it!". Even the judges, behind all that gushing, look like they're growing a little tired of showering her with compliments in an effort to boost her confidence. Okay Mel... you're good, you're good. Time to pull that backbone out of your pocket!

In a fair world, Antonella and Haley would go tomorrow. But I have a sinking feeling Antonella will stay (Hawaiian Jasmine, anyone?), and Goth Gina will get the boot instead.

American Idol - The Boys, week 3

2007-03-07T07:47:00.000-05:00

Thank god this was only an hour. Aren't there any good songs on the list they can choose from?? I'm having difficulty writing these things without complaining through the entire thing.

That said, here goes:

Beatbox Blake: Well, you've done it now. You started to prove a couple of weeks ago that you could sing other types of stuff and that you actually had a really great voice, but now you've gone and pigeon-holed yourself. What IS that song, anyway? I thought maybe it was a Sublime tune, but turns out it's not. Not my thing, but this style does come naturally to him.

Sanjaya: Awwww. Such a pretty girl. God this is sucking. He's annoyingly gentle. Everything he does is done gingerly... the tone and loudness of his singing; his movements; even his blinking! Oh, here we go... the old Paula is resurfacing. Her speech is completely aimless. Yay! Simon's turn; he's really showing his homophobic stripes here.

Sundance the garden gnome: Pearl Jam?? On Idol?? I so loved this album when it came out. But he's really crucifying this.

The Other Chris: This guy's a cutie pie. I'm bored with the song, and his voice grates on me a bit, but I'm enjoying watching him.

Jared: What? An exceptionally tall black guy who plays basketball? No way!! Someone else sang this a few weeks ago.... Sanjaya, maybe? I don't like his voice nor his stage presence, but he seems like a nice enough guy.

Background Brandon: Um, the world already has a Lenny Kravitz, dude. And he does that thing way better than you. You know, this guy's really coming off as completely phony now. That smile has "forced" written all over it.

Phil: Oh no! Fugly hat! Fugly hat! He started off hilariously on the wrong note (wtf happened there? LOL), but redeemed himself later in the song. Seriously, though. Is this the only hat you could find?? Whoa. It's more distracting in its fugliness and ill-fitting-ness than your shiny head.

Fluffy Chris: Okay, Chris. I'm counting on you to help me stop sounding like a miserable hag. Hmmmm... sounding pretty good. Yep, best singer by far. Really love this guy's voice. Okay song, I guess. Um, but what's with the request for a hug from Ryan? That's just weird.

I hope the girls are more inspiring tomorrow...

And the winners are...

2007-03-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

Kate and Pete.

Named Sexiest Woman and Sexiest Man at the Shockwaves NME Awards 2007 in London.

I shit you not.

Sexiest.

Photo: Richard Lewis/Wireimage

American Idol - The Girls, week 2

2007-02-28T21:39:00.000-05:00

Before I begin, I'd like to file a formal complaint with the producers of A.I.:

Dear sirs: Paula Abdul is shockingly sharp this year. There's an element of entertainment missing because of this. Please tell her to stop it.

Thanks,

Berry

And now, back to business...

Goth Gina: Wow, the background singers are sucking. It's making her sound off-key, but it's them that's off. She's a good singer, but something's missing. Can't quite put my finger on it. Oh, I see.. Simon's hit the nail on the head: where has her edge gone?

Waterworks Alaina: Hmmm... this is hot and cold. Sometimes it works, sometimes it sucks. She's got good presence, there's no denying that. But a weak voice.

Lakisha: Hey, she looks pretty good! Kinda younger, I'd say. I wish she had more time up there, because I think she was just getting her engines going before she had to stop. Not her greatest performance, but we all know she can bring the house down.

Melinda: Ah yes... one of the best songs of all time (Funny Valentine). She's blowing Lakisha right out of the water. I'd buy this in a second. But still, the post-performance over-the-top humility and little-girl-lost look is starting to wear on me.

Barbarella-Antonella: Yikes. Shaky. Girl's had a bad week, I suppose. The nerves make her sound like a goat. But whoa! She nailed that high note. That voice range will come in handy during the squealing sequences for her next film. Sorry, sorry... that was horrible. Funny, but horrible.

Jordin: Mulan? Fucking Mulan?? Oh Jordin, Jordin, Jordin. Do you know how badly I want to spell your name with an "a"? Sorry, that's besides the point. We liked you when you were rockin', girl. This is awful. I'm gonna go fold my laundry. Jesus, girl. Seriously. (Uh... the judges LOVED this...??? Holy cow, they're really pushing her through.)

Stephanie: She's really in her element here. She's got a maturity about her, for a teenager. Yeah, she's giving a Mary J. Blige vibe to a Beyonce song. She's got a rawness about her that really works. This is good.

Leslie: She reminds me of Stevie Nicks, physically. But yikes... I can appreciate what she's trying to do here, but it's coming across all wrong. Plus, I'm really wanting her to stop slouching.

Haley: Much better than last week. But she's still going home within the next 2 weeks.

Sabrina: Almost forgot about her. She's so likable, but her voice doesn't resonate well with me. A little too high-pitch for me, I think. I'm sure she's quite good, but I wouldn't miss her if she went.

Haley, Leslie, Alaina, and Barbarella can all go. But I'll bet Gina goes, because she probably doesn't have a huge support system that's dialing their asses off right now. Sad, but true.

American Idol - The Boys, week 2

2007-02-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

Tonight left me quite uninspired. And when I'm uninspired to pick apart an American Idol performance, you know it's bad.

Still, here goes:

Bald Phil: Good voice, but bleh stage presence. Okay, truth is, I'm still so damned distracted by that shiny head. Still, as I listen to him sing, I realize he really, really does have a good voice. But my god what a bleh song. I'm bored.

Jared: Hmmm. Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On". Is he even trying to be smooth? Really? Is that what that is? Because it's coming off as cheesy. Nothing original here. It's not feeling like an authentic performance. I'm bored again.

A.J.: His heroes are his parents (yawn). Oh wait... here we go... now he's got some smooth moves. This is looking like an authentic performance. I'm not crazy about his voice, but it's good, I guess. Yeah, he's good. I'm liking the kid this week.

Sanjaya: Pwaaaaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Okay, seriously now. He's singing a song that - PWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA...... oh... stop.... HAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA.... So sorry. I need to get a grip here. It's just that he's wearing this hat that looks, well..... HAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... Oh no!!! He's doing miniature hip shakes... STOP IT! Hah-haha-ha-ha-ha!!

Fluffy Chris: W.O.W.... I've got goosebumps. Amazing. Brilliant.

Rerun Nick: You know, this boy needs to be singing jazz. I wanna hear him sing My Funny Valentine. He'd kill at that.

Beatbox Blake: What's with the silly hats tonight?? He's very entertaining tonight. First one to work the crowd a bit. I'm enjoying this.

Background Brandon: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Other Chris: A weak start, but he picked up some energy along the way. This kid's very "now". And you know, now that I think about it, he's cuter and more well-spoken by the week. He's still coming off as a very likable guy, and he really does have a very good voice.

Sundance: Okay. He's back in the saddle. But I don't think he could keep that voice going for a 90 minute concert. No way.

My fave tonight was Fluffy Chris, hands down. I'm looking forward to hearing his voice for many, many weeks to come. And if they could keep Sanjaya around for comedic purposes, I would really appreciate that.

You're charging me what??

2007-02-27T08:08:00.000-05:00

I almost got robbed yesterday. Almost.

The cable company tried to take some extra money from me, and I put up quite a fight.

Here's what happened. I pay my cable bill automatically every month with my credit card. I don't even have to think about it. The payment goes through, and I get a monthly statement. It has worked beautifully like this for years.

Last November, my credit card expired and I received a new one, so I logged on to my account at the cable company's web site to update my credit card info. All I really needed to change was the expiration date.

Apparently, the update didn't "take", so in December, I went online and did it again. I was doing this with no prompting from the cable company. They just brought the balance forward to the next month without contacting me. My services remained active.

In January, I noticed the payment still wasn't appearing on my card, so I called the cable company. They took my new card info, thanked me, and said all should be well now.

I went forward with my life, secure in the knowledge that all was well with my cable account.

Yesterday, I received an automated phone message, asking me to contact the cable company immediately regarding a most urgent matter. Yikes, I thought. A most urgent matter. My, this does sound serious.

It was 5:42pm. Luckily, they were open until 6pm. I called right away. The very nice woman who took my call was difficult to understand through her accent, but she managed to convey to me that my account was now seriously delinquent, and I needed to make arrangements to pay this immediately, or my services could be disrupted.

Oh, I see. Well, I said, here's my story... and I repeated to her everything I've just told you. I even said that there must be a note on my account, indicating that I called last month and spoke with someone. No, she said. You haven't contacted us since March 2006.

Um, no, I said, starting to feel defensive. I called last month and spoke to some guy... just like I told you. I told her I gave the guy my new card expiration date, which was 03/2010. I asked her what card information she had. She gave me a date of 10/2003. Well there you go, I said. The guy made an error.

Once we had that all figured out, I asked her what my total was. Wow. It was pretty high. Were there any penalty fees included in this, I asked? Of course, she said, and repeated, your account is seriously delinquent.

Okay. I see where this is headed, I thought. So I explained... Let's make this clear. YOU are charging ME, for YOUR error, is this correct? She hesitated, and then put me on hold. By now, it's almost 5:55pm.

She returns and acts as though we had just met, repeating the total amount to me and asking if I'm ready to pay. Wtf? The following conversation ensued:

(5:56pm)

Me: I'm happy to pay what I owe, but I'm not paying any penalty fees. What's my total without the penalty fees?

Her: You are responsible for these, mum.

Me: No, no I'm not. Will you remove these?

Her: I can try. I can fill out a form and see if you can get a credit.

(5:57pm)

Me: A form? For a credit? No, no, no. I'm not making myself very clear, here. I'm not paying any penalty fees, period. Not now, not later. I absolutely refuse to be charged for this. This is unbelievable! This was your company's mistake. If you can't remove these from my account, then let me speak with someone who can.

Her: (sigh) Hold please.

(5:58pm)

(6:00pm)

(6:02pm)

(6:05pm)

I shit you not.

(6:08pm)

I'm SO not hanging up on this bitch.

(6:10pm)

There's no way they've gone home and left me there. If I have to call back tomorrow, I'm gonna....

Her: Mum? Yes, so sorry to make you wait.

I'll bet.

Her: Yes, we will remove the penalties from the total. Are you ready to pay the balance of the amount right away?

Me, indignant: Of course! That's what I've been trying to do for months! (sigh) Now, exactly how much were the penalties?

Her: $2.55, mum.

Silence.

Me: Two dollars and fifty-five cents?

Her: Yes mum.

Silence.

Me, sheepishly: I see. Well, thank you very much for your help, and you have yourself a wonderful evening. Thank you. Again. Thank you. Yes. Bye now.

American Idol - The Girls

2007-02-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

Aaaaack! Due to some really poor timing on my part, I didn't make it home in time for the start of the show. I missed the first two performances, so all I've got for them is a critique of their 3-second recap clip from the end of the show.

Stephanie: Hey! She looks like Fantasia!

Amy: Hey! She doesn't look a thing like Fantasia!

Leslie: Great rock voice potential. Hate those moves, though. A bit distracting. Is she wearing an office dress? And what the hell are those, Hookers of the Caribbean boots? Interesting.

Sabrina: Christina A. with a tight perm, but without the depth of voice. Simon says it's the best he's heard so far. Easy there, Simon. She's only the 4th one up.

BFF Antonella: Nervous tension, personified. Uh-oh... even Mom just made a "yikes!" face. That can't be good. I'm thinking the BFF who got the boot last week just smiled and put her voodoo doll down.

Sparky Jordin: Looks like a young Chaka Kahn, only way more beautiful. Great song choice (Tracy Chapman). I like her lower register notes. Whoa... she's really rockin' this. Damn good job.

Vanilla Nicole: Plain, forgettable look. Oh no... she is WAY too white to be singing Chaka. (I don't think I've ever refered to Chaka Kahn twice in one day before. Just sayin'...). Oh god. I can't look anymore. She sounds and looks like she just found her drunken boyfriend in a hotel room with a stripper after a 3-day bender. It's not pretty.

Haley: Too much vibrato. The whole song is revolving around it. Reminds me of my mother-in-law singing a pop song with an opera voice.

Background Melinda: So weird. She really comes out of her shell when she sings. God-DAMN she can sing! I thought she'd be a wooden deer-in-headlights figure, but she's really putting it all out there. Just brilliant. And then, when she's done, it's like a switch is flipped, and she's back to being afraid of her own shadow. Maybe she just needs a neck.

Alaina Waterworks: Hmmm.... that song didn't showcase her voice at all. Simon & Ryan take a few jabs at each other and completely hijack her spotlight, so she brings it back by starting to recite her own voting number. Atta girl!

Goth Gina: Great, great voice. Aw look... she made Mom start crying during the 1st verse. I think Gina's afraid of vampires, though, judging by the giant Crusaders' cross bling around her neck.

Lakisha: She's been my fave during the Hollywood series ................................................ ............................................ ................................. ........................................... ....................................... ...................................... ........................... ........................ Sorry. Couldn't type. Hand was busy picking my friggin' jaw up from the floor. Let's hope she doesn't pull a Mandisa and come out singing gospel next month. This girl is awesome!!!

Tomorrow night, 4 go home. I don't even care who at this point. There are enough sucky ones to pick from.

American Idol - The Boys

2007-02-21T07:18:00.000-05:00

Oh goody! The numbers are down to a manageable figure and I can finally take up one of my most favouritest activities in the whole world: criticizing!! I mean... critiquing.

Our first bunch: The Boys.

Venezuela Rudy: I've already forgotten him. But I do remember that giant target on his shirt. Kinda asking for it, I'd say. Yeah, he's a goner.

Background Brandon: Oh brother. Another one of these "let me look deeply into your eyes and then you'll fall under my spell and vote for me" guys. Seriously, that just makes me look away uncomfortably. I didn't like his voice as much this time around. And I do hope that whole "You're a lead singer now!" hooplah will die down soon... it's already gotten old.

Sundance (the Gnome): Hmmm... his voice is lacking some depth, I think. And his face is lacking a razor. This guy just keeps getting pushed through by the producers in hopes that he'll recreate what he did that ONE time in the first audition. (Hey guys? Yeah, thing is, he's been fucking up ever since. Let him loose, 'mkay?)

Barefoot Paul: Yo Paul, lose the gangsta hand movements dawg. It don't fit. Heeey, not a bad voice. Well, except for that high note. Ouch.

Brushcut Chris: Well-spoken, likable dude. Couldn't have picked a worse song (pssstt.... hey Chris, Bo Bice owns that song as of a couple of seasons ago. Don't touch it, k?) Seriously, I wish guys would stay away from those cliche hand moves. And, um, what's with all that bopping up and down? It's looking more "turkey in the straw" than anything else.

Rerun Nick: Love that smoky voice, but it's not working for him right now. His dangling arms are distracting. Maybe they don't work. Oh wait! He just moved them. I think once this guy finds some confidence, he'll do just fine.

Beatbox Blake: LOVE this guy. Humble, sincere, confident... a natural. Someone out there has already started drawing up a contract, in case for some insane reason he doesn't win this thing. He's my pick for the final 2.

Sanjaya: That stretch-o-smile will get old fast. Oh look... it just happened. Nice voice, but wtf is up with that song??? Oh yeah, that's right. His loser sister picked this song for him. Haaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Revenge much?

Poodle Chris: I just love this guy. Perfect song choice. Clean, authentic voice. Great stage presence, even by not doing much. Whoa... but I think his humour just got ahead of him. Not a smart move to zing the boss, kiddo.

Jared the Fired Waiter: Good-looking. That'll work for him for a bit. But his voice is one-dimensional. He won't be able to sing any other style. At least he's got that waiter experience to fall back on.

A.J.: This year's token gay contestant. Good energy, but I never was one for the "yodel" sound effect - you know, that sort of "country whine". Like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.

Bald Phil: Whoa! Holy crap, dude. You've really got the whole cue-ball thing down pat. May I suggest adding a little something? Perhaps a hat? A bandana? Or some facial hair? An earring or two? But hey.... great voice. And great performance. I think you'll do okay.

Tomorrow night... the girls!

Just a little off the top

2007-02-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

(ring. ring.)

"Yo."

"Hello, Mr. Federline? We've got some good news for you, sir."

"I sold a cd??!"

"Uh, no sir. We want to inform you that you can come pick your kids up. They're all yours, sir."

"Yo, no shit. I already know they mine."

"No, no, sir. You don't understand. You've been granted custody, sir. They're coming to live with you."

"With me?? But I haven't even officially axed for custody yet. Wtf happened?"

"It's your ex-wife, sir. She's... she's... well, sir, there's no other way to put it. I'm afraid she's gone stark raving mad."

Photo: Ben/Dave/Victor/Bauer-Griffin

Today's illustrated definition

2007-02-15T10:02:00.000-05:00

Fuck: interjection; (slang) used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often followed by a pronoun, as "you" or "it".

Some images for you, accompanied by my thoughts as I took the pics...

view from kitchen window; arrow pointing to car antenna (holy fuck).

back of my car (fucking hell)

starting to dig out (fuck this shit)

Main Man's car, free to go (fuckin' A!)

Room with a view

2007-02-15T07:46:00.000-05:00

The blizzard... she has hit.

Needless to say, I've got some digging to do. My car is somewhere beneath that. I can tell, because from another window, there's an antenna sticking out of it.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Say "when"

2007-02-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

Just before lunchtime, I spent over an hour shoveling our driveway. There was about 8 inches of fresh snow on the ground. Luckily, it was powder instead of wet snow, so it wasn't terribly heavy.

By adding this fresh snow to the already-existing snow banks on each side of our driveway, the height of the snowbank now reaches my shoulders.

The snow has been falling since about 5am, non-stop. Not hard... just steady.

Here's the thing: The storm has not even hit yet.

No shit. That means we can expect another couple of feet to fall later this evening, along with gusts of balmy arctic wind.

I'm thinkin' I won't be golfing anytime soon.

On blizzards and American Idol

2007-02-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

Either I was on speed last night, or this year's American Idol Hollywood series went by a lot faster than usual.

Nothing much to say about this episode. I was surprised with some of the judges' choices, and shocked that the editors focused more on the actual performances than on the drama (including the usual drama between Simon and Paula).

Speaking of Paula, has someone taken away her candy? She's looking awfully lucid, making sound decisions, and forming complete sentences. If this continues, I'm not sure I'll be having as much fun this year.

We'll see, I suppose....

In other news, I don't know if the guys with the really big shovels will be digging that hole for our house today. Steady snow has been falling all morning, and we're headed for blizzard conditions this afternoon.

Great.

I'm bummed about the house thing, but I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than being snowed in.

Hey... did you hear about Anna Nicole Smith?

2007-02-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've learned something very important over the past week: I know nothing.... NOTHING.... about putting together a house.

And even less about interior design.

I know nothing about ceramic tiles. I know nothing about hardwood floors. I know nothing about kitchen cabinets. I know nothing about kitchen counters. I know nothing about paint; doors; door handles; drawer handles; light fixtures. Omigod... light fixtures!

There are way too many options available to me, and my head comes dangerously close to exploding every time I try to make a selection.

We break ground on Wednesday, and things will move very quickly from that moment. I'm feeling the pressure now. Main Man and I spent most of last week and this weekend running around from appointment to appointment with different suppliers. Between that and work, I barely had time to breathe, nevermind blog.

Tomorrow, it's the plumbing and bathroom fixture guy.

And then even more importantly, the American Idol auditions are finally over, and we're moving on to the Hollywood sessions tomorrow. WOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I mean, not that I'm watching or anything.

Today's illustrated definition

2007-02-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

Awkward: adjective; lacking grace or ease in movement; not well planned; embarrassing or inconvenient.

TOM: "Okay, here we go. Step up and dance, Kate. C'mon! The cameras are pointing this way. Move, dammit! Look sexy for Christ's sake!"

KATIE: "Wha...? Dance??! You never said I'd have to da... Oh fuck it. Here, I'm dancing, I'm dancing, you short sonofabitch. Jesus, I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile going. And why the fuck did you dress me up like Jackie O if you expected me to dance and look sexy??"

Click here for an awkward video illustration of today's word.

They're on to me

2007-02-06T09:41:00.000-05:00

Well, the day has finally arrived. The, um... people at "Folks" magazine have taken away my online privileges.

Dammit.

But just to show me they're still thinking about me, they're keeping in touch. Yesterday, I received my fourth "FINAL NOTICE!" in the mail, announcing with great alarm that my magazine subscription has run out. (Yes, I know. Thanks.)

Oh well. I knew this day was coming. I'll be okay.

'Tis the season...

2007-02-04T16:53:00.000-05:00

Well, here they are. Right on schedule. Just before spring break.

The parade of school kids that ring our door bell, trying to sell the same old crappy chocolate bars that we had to sell when we were in school.

We bought some the first year we rented this place, pretty much only because we were the new kids on the block and didn't want to be the big meanies. But that novelty wore off quick, and now the sure-fire way to piss us off is to ring our doorbell on a Sunday evening.

Besides, it's a rare thing for us to even have cash laying around. Who uses cash anymore anyway?

Thing is, there are hundreds of school kids in my neighbourhood, and the minute they sniff out someone who's willing to fork over $2.00 for a chocolate bar, they're on them like a mob.

When the bell rings at our house, we both try to ignore it for as long as possible, just to see if the other will get up first to look out the window. I usually win by saying "I'm not wearing a bra". It's like calling shotgun, and it's my umbrella excuse for not answering the door to strangers. One day, when we're much older and the bra thing doesn't even matter anymore, I might say "I'm not wearing my teeth".

For now, I just really, really wish schools would come up with better fundraising ideas. Ones that don't involve my Sunday evenings.

Or wait... you know what? If a kid rings our doorbell to shovel our driveway, that would be cool. And he'd make a helluva lot more than $2.00.

Dear Punxsutawney Phil...

2007-02-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

Hey there, lil' guy. Just a quick note to thank you for holding up your end of the deal this morning. They fell for it. They totally believe you didn't see your shadow. Good job!

I'll get those promised snacks to you as soon as I can.

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep polishing my brand new driver that arrived on Wednesday, and looking forward to an early golf season.

You rock!

Today's illustrated definition

2007-01-31T16:15:00.000-05:00

Creepy: adjective; having or causing a creeping sensation of the skin, as from horror or fear: a creepy ghost story.

photo: Amy Sussman/Getty

He's very polite

2007-01-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, during the evening, Main Man will remember he needs to do something the following morning when he gets to the office. To remind himself, he'll call his office line and leave himself a voicemail message.

Without fail, he starts the message... to himself... with "Hey, it's me", and ends it with "Thanks. Bye."

Two fifteen

2007-01-30T13:29:00.000-05:00

A coworker and I were exchanging some school-time stories earlier today, and it made me remember the very first embarrassing moment I've ever had in high school.

Early in my first year; sitting in geometry class; insanely cute boy sitting at the desk next to me. I'm not paying attention to the teacher, because I'm focused on the insanely cute boy. I hear the teacher ask out loud, "Berry, what time is it?"

I'm startled back to reality, glance at my watch, and proudly announce "2:15".

I hear a few snickers, and the whole class continues to look in my direction. I look at my watch again, just to double-check. Yep. It's 2:15 alright. So why is everyone still looking at me and smiling?

"Berry," the teachers says, "what kind is it?"

I'm now utterly confused, and my face shows it. More snickers and giggles.

I look past the teacher towards the blackboard, and my face turns beet red. He's asking me to name the geometric form he has illustrated on the board. It's not anything like a 2:15, it turns out.

The teacher runs out of patience and asks someone else. The classroom's attention is no longer on me, and I glance over at the insanely cute boy, only to find him rolling his eyes and shaking his head.... sharing a moment with the insanely cute girl in the seat behind him.

(sigh) I've always hated math class.

Dear Frito-Lay's people...

2007-01-28T17:27:00.000-05:00

YUMMMMMMMMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done, my friends. Well done.

I love ya, tomorrow

2007-01-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

I hear all the time that we should live for today; live in the now; stay in the present.

I get that, but I'm afraid it just doesn't work for me. I've tried to adopt this philosophy, and you know what I got out of it? Stress and anxiety, that's what.

Thinking about the future doesn't make me ignore the present. On the contrary. I am comforted by the future. Thinking about the future gives me the green light to enjoy today. It allows me to put off until later. If I was to list everything I'd like to get done today, I'd freak out. The projects I have in mind are overwhelming only if I try to squeeze them all into The Now.

Fuck that. I'm a way bigger fan of The Later. Especially on a day like today, when it's -20 outside, and Spring is..... well, later.

Open letter to internet optimization telefuckingmarketers

2007-01-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

Dear telefuckingmarketer,

Hey. How you doin'. Here's a tip on how not to approach a potential customer: Don't call their toll-free customer service number. Seriously. That's just stupid. Did you really expect me to patiently listen to your scripted sales pitch while I pay for the call??

Besides, you found us because we're at the top of all the search results. Am I right? Yeah, thought so. That should tell you that we're doing just fine in the web optimization department, and probably don't need your services. Am I right? Yeah, thought so.

Oh, and did you actually believe I was going to pass your name and number on to "our marketing director"? Good god, you're stupid.

Sincerely,

Berry

A shocking new discovery...

2007-01-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

Scientists (me and a friend) are gathering evidence (gossip) that K-Fed may be smarter than the public has been led to believe.

While Britney is busy livin' la vida skank, K-Fed has been lying relatively low. He's gotten his ex - the one he left high and dry and knocked up - to rally behind him and declare him an awesome dad. He's made sure every post-divorce-announcement quote from him has included something about how much he loves and lives for his kids.

He's actually starting to look like the better parent in the eyes of the public (me and a friend).

Either he's hired a brilliant lawyer, who then hired a brilliant publicist to place and polish a halo over his head before the custody battle goes to court, or he's thought it up all by himself, thereby proving our scientific theory of his possible smarts.

If nothing else, this post is at the very least an indication of a few painfully slow news days in Berryworld.

If I'm not back by Wednesday...

2007-01-22T16:27:00.000-05:00

... send help.

I'm switching to the new Blogger format. I have no idea what challenges await me...

I'm a cheater

2007-01-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make, and by opening my big mouth, I may be jeopardizing something good. But my semi-guilty conscience insists that I own up to my crime.

I used to subscribe to a magazine. Let's call it "Folks".

Because I was a subscriber, I had access to tons of stuff on the Folks web site, including many of the mag articles and all of the celebrity photos. All I had to do was enter my account number once way back in the early days, and the site has always remembered me (as long as I don't clear my cookies!).

Thing is, I canceled my subscription to Folks late last year, and yet I continue to enjoy free access to the site.

I realize that by posting this information here, I am bound to somehow cause Folks to launch an intense and thorough investigation to oust me, and when they uncover my real indentity, they will block my online access. I'm sure I will also appear on a subscription black-list that will be rapidly distributed to all magazines world-wide.

If I see a car parked outside my home tomorrow evening, I will know why.

Furthermore, I will no-doubt cause the folks at Folks to pay millions of dollars to overhaul their online services and make sure this type of illegal access is stopped at once. Other former subscribers will know who to blame for this, and I will never again be safe. You can't just take someone's celebrity gossip away, and then expect to not have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life. That's just naive.

But I must come clean. I must be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, "Berry, you did the right thing."

And I must never, ever clear my cookies. Ever.

See? I AM important!

2007-01-18T14:32:00.000-05:00

Get yourself a title too, and then I dare you to make restaurant reservations tonight under your new important name.

Thanks to Lys for the link!

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Excellency Berry the Weird of Durdle Door
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

The countdown has begun...

2007-01-18T13:46:00.000-05:00

... for two things.

First, the 6th season of American Idol has begun. And yes, I will once again be offering my expert critique once the "real" stuff gets underway. For now, it's really just a freak show that makes me uncomfortable.

Second, Main Man and I have begun the process of building a house (!!!). This is my excuse for not blogging much lately... my free time has been spent in the throes of anxiety attacks. I'm sure there will be more to come. Attacks, that is. Christ, this house-building stuff is complicated. Oh, and expensive. Like, a lot.

But in the end, the universe will come together in the late Spring, when the newest American Idol is crowned, and we move into our new house. There will be much rejoicing all around.

And yes... I know, I know. I will need to fix the image in the post below, because it's way too big and forcing my links and archives to the bottom of the page.

Business must really be taking off

2007-01-16T14:09:00.000-05:00

WANTED: Busy flight school seeks a flight instructor who can, you know, teach how to fly.

Have pillow, will sleep

2007-01-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

We've finally done it. After years of searching, experimenting, and rejecting, Main Man and I have found the perfect pillows. And at Costco, of all places; twelve bucks each.

Yes, pillows are a serious thing in our home. Goldilocks would call us finicky. We have a closetful of rejects that we've accumulated over the years. Some too thin, some too thick. Some too soft, some too hard. Some too small, some way too small. Some, well... too stinky. We really should throw those away.

But anyway, we've never found a pillow that we were both completely pleased with.

On Sunday, we went to Costco on a completely different mission. It was only by chance that we walked by the pillow bin. We both happened to glance at the pile of pillows, and then both came to a screeching halt. We took two tentative steps towards the bin, never taking our eyes off the pillows. We each picked up a plastic pack and squeezed. We stopped squeezing, looked at each other, and then squeezed again.

Me: "How much are they?"

MM: "I don't care."

Me: "They're pretty good."

MM: "They're fucking awesome."

Me: "We should get them."

MM: "We should stock up."

Me: "Stock up?"

MM: "Yeah, stock up."

We didn't stock up. That would be silly. We brought them home and gave them a test run on Sunday night. We overslept on Monday morning. We overslept again this morning. Needless to say, the pillows have passed the ultimate test.

They're fucking awesome. We're stocking up.

Look to the boobs

2007-01-13T05:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I watched Michelle Wei struggle and miss the cut in yet another PGA event.

Observers are trying to figure out what went wrong with this girl-wonder. At 14, she played with the men and missed the cut by only 1 stroke. Amazing! At the time, her drive was ridiculously good, but her short game was costing her strokes. Now, at 17, her drives are landing her anywhere but on the fairway, and she's not hitting her irons quite the same way. Her putting's improved tremendously, but she's still hitting in the high numbers, and her swing just doesn't seem to be working for her anymore.

"What happened?", they say. "Has she lost her confidence? Her focus? Her drive?"

Nope, that's not it. I'm no pro, but even I can tell at a glance what's going on with this girl. She grew up. And she grew boobs.

I'm serious. Bring your hands together in front of you as though you're holding a golf club. Imagine learning to master a golf swing just as you are.

Now make some changes to your body. If you're a guy, go put on your girlfriend's bra and stuff it with a few chicken breasts... you know, something that won't easily squish like Kleenex. If you're a gal, imagine your chest has just expanded by 2 cup sizes (I know!). Now go ahead and try to make that same swing.

Not gonna happen. Your boobs just got in the way. Of course women with boobs can play golf. But if you're used to playing without boobs, then it's going to take some adjustment to play with them.

So it's pretty simple, really. Just make way for the boobs, Michelle. Like every woman eventually knows, once you learn to master the boobs, the balls become easier to control.

It's time for you to go now

2007-01-13T05:43:00.000-05:00

I've got myself a freeloader virus.

You know the type: He shows up unexpected and unannounced; completely disrupts your daily life. You bend over backwards to accommodate him and are forced to focus all of your attention on him and his demanding needs. You do it, because you're counting on this being a very temporary situation.

He drains you of all your energy, and eventually robs you of your patience, too. Every time you think he's about to finally leave, you discover that he seems to have made himself a little more at home. Dammit.

Well I've had it. I've played host to this rotten cold for 2 weeks now. 2 weeks!!!! I'm officially evicting it. I don't care how much it tries to manipulate me, I'm putting my foot down.

This weekedd, I'b takid back codtrol, butherfucker!

He's just not that into you (or your girlie parts)

2007-01-08T11:12:00.000-05:00

Note to the poor clueless tweens who repeatedly land on my blog while googling "Emanuel Sandhu girlfriend":

Dear young thing,

Well, I hate to do this, but someone needs to tell you: When you see a guy who's more beautiful than you, who dresses better than you, who dances better than you, who wears more make-up than you do, and uses more hair removal products than you do, rest assured that he does not have a girlfriend, no matter what he or his handlers might say or imply.

Also, the figure-skating thing kind of seals it.

It's okay. You're not alone. There are still hoards of your kind out there... just look up any Clay Aiken or Ricky Martin fan club. But I'm here to tell you the truth, because clearly, your gaydar has not yet fully developed.

So to recap: Emanuel Sandhu + girlfriend = Santa + Easter Bunny.

Okay? Cool.

Berry

F-f-f-f-f-f-ore!

2007-01-07T17:02:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's a little chilly out there today. But it was sunny. And yesterday's rain and balmy temperatures have washed away the little snow we had.

I have spent the last 7 days getting my ass kicked by a combination cold/flu. Today, though I'm still hacking and popping decongestants, I'm feeling 90% stronger. And god knows I've been going stir-crazy inside the house all week.

So it made perfect sense that the universe would conspire to make this... today... a pretty damn good day for Berry. I've paid my dues, afterall.

My hands nearly froze off, but holy mother of god it felt good to hit some golf balls!

Main Man and I threw a few loose clubs into the trunk of the car and went driving around town in search of an open driving range. Surely, we thought, there are some enterprising folks out there who see an awesome range day upon us. Surely, we were convinced, somebody would open their doors and make a few bucks off idiots like us.

We were very discouraged after approaching 4 places and finding them closed. But when we drove up to our last hope, there it was, hanging above the door.... "Open". Wooo-hooo!!!

We were the only ones out there, but it's right next to the road, and I knew that the minute people driving by noticed us swinging on the range, they'd start to gravitate. And they did.

(sigh) This was way better than New Year's Eve for me.

They're calling for more rain and snow this week. But that's okay. I've had my little fix. I should be able to hold off for a few more weeks, if need be.

For now, my clubs are staying out of storage, and it's looking more and more like my skis are gonna be going back in. Poor things. They never stood a chance.

Oprah sends relief

2007-01-03T02:40:00.000-05:00

Siphiwe Sibeko/Reuters/Landov

That Oprah. She's something else. Here she is at the grand opening of her new South African private school, The Pepto Bismol Academy for Girls.

You go girl.

So this is what 2007 feels like...

2007-01-02T09:18:00.000-05:00

2007 for me is off to a bumpy start, but at least I know it probably won't be a boring year.

I rang in the New Year with a small family party at home... food, games, and more food. I looked really hot that night, but that's because I had a fever. I had really been looking forward to our get-together, and then this snuck up on me, and I didn't really get to enjoy myself.

I spent New Year's Day nursing a sore throat and dry cough. I'm spending today nursing a worse sore throat and dry cough.

At 5am this morning, Main Man and I were rudely awakened by the phone ringing. It was the security company calling to let us know that alarm had gone off at the office and police were on their way. We jumped out of bed, dressed, de-snowed the car, and were down there in 15 minutes. Turned out to be nothing.

So far, the message I'm getting is that I had better be on my toes this year; to expect the unexpected, and then deal with it as best I can.

I'm gonna need some extra peripheral vision, because I'm not a terribly big fan of surprises. Unless they're the fun type, of course.

And some toe shoes. If I'm gonna need to be standing on my toes, I'd better get some toe shoes.

And some pain reliever. For my throat. And maybe my toes.

Tick, tick, tick...

2006-12-29T15:00:00.000-05:00

Is this year not over yet? (sigh)... I have so many plans for 2007, and these last few days are just draaaaaaagggggggggggggging.

Why not get cracking on my new plans now, you ask? Well, it just seems wrong to start something on December 29th or 30th. I've been programmed, like most of us, to let things slide during this time of year, and to instead hold off and tackle them "in the new year".

I've got 3 places to call next week to make appointments. I guess I could have easily called them this week, but instead, I'm waiting to do it "in the new year".

I'd like to rearrange the office in my home... move some stuff around, throw some stuff out... but I feel compelled to wait until the year is over. It's almost as though if I do it now, I'll only need to do it all over again after January 1st. As if the things I might accomplish now won't count in the new year... they'll be erased from the board.

Maybe it's true. Maybe it's best to start things fresh after the new year. So bring it on, already! A week between Christmas and New Year's is just too long. Time lags, and nothing gets done. I think we should do the Christmas thing on December 30th instead, and then whip straight into the new year without missing a beat.

Until this idea catches on, I'll just keep watching the clock, and polishing my plans.

Happy New Year!

When Berries go bad

2006-12-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

I behaved badly yesterday on my return flight home, and I am deeply ashamed. I guess I was tired. Or something.

It's just that... well, I had spent the last several days at my in-laws', and that'll drive a girl to behave the way I did, even under the best of circumstances. Or at least, that's the excuse I'm comfortable with.

And it's not like I went looking for trouble. She started it.

When the seatbelt light went off, I stood up and reached for my bag in the overhead compartment. That's when she plowed into me. I don't mean that I was accidentally nudged from the back. I was mowed down.

We had been sitting in the aisle seats across from each other, near the front of the plane (immediately behind the 1st Class section). She was a small middle-aged woman with a perma-grump face, wearing severe-looking glasses perched on the end of her nose, and she had decided that she was getting off the plane before everyone else.

Naturally, she could only get so far in the aisle before having to stand in line behind the VIP's. When I straightened myself up after having been launched face-first into my seat, I grabbed my overhead bag and went to stand immediately behind her.

I felt indignant and upset, and so naturally, I dealt with it by being maturely and appropriately passive-aggressive.

She couldn't have been more than 5'3". With my 2" heel boots, I am 6'. I held my carry-on bag firmly in front of me, and walked directly towards her. I kept walking until I was a little too close to her... just enough to cause my bag to press in between her shoulder blades.

I know... it's silly, really.

She turned to look at me, came face-to-face with my boobs, and then looked up. I didn't budge. I just stood there, looking straight ahead. She didn't say a word, and turned back around. I kept pressing.

The line moved ahead a couple of inches. I followed, and I kept pressing. Still, she said nothing.

I finally let go of the whole thing when I left the plane. I told Main Man what I had just done, and that I felt mean and ashamed. He did a "you didn't!" face, and then laughed it off.

I don't know if I managed to get a message through to the woman, or even what that message might have been. But I do know that it felt really good to behave that way at the time, and that when I wear 2" heels, I seem to be able to get away with a lot.

However, payback arrived for me today in the form of a painful blister, compliments of my boots.

That'll teach me.

Christmas Rain

2006-12-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

How very, very weird.

A green Christmas in Quebec. That's just unheard of. It's just...... no.

Tomorrow, we fly out to Ontario to spend Christmas with Main Man's parents. It's green there too.

I took my skis out of storage the day I put my golf clubs away. I know... what was I thinking? It's almost as though I was expecting winter to arrive or something.

The only positive thing I see coming out of this snowless state is that people will be quicker about taking down their Christmas lights this year, rather than waiting for the Spring thaw.

Oooh, and the no-shovelling thing. That's pretty cool too.

In the meantime... rain, snow, or sunshine... have yourselves an awesome Christmas! I'll be back next week.

p.s. - Santa? Did you catch the part about me being somewhere else on Christmas morning? Okay... just making sure you'll know where to find me. Thanks!

Quick! Someone get this lady an eggnog!

2006-12-20T16:27:00.000-05:00

For my entire adult life, I've been extra careful never to get my hair styled during two important periods: The week before my stylist goes on vacation in the summer, or the week before Christmas. That's just asking for trouble.

But this Christmas, I didn't have a choice. I put my appointment off recently because of the vertigo thingie, and ended up going in today. Unfortunately, because I broke the golden rule, I will need to return tomorrow to "fix" a colour-related boo-boo. Hey... that's life. Put your mane in the hands of a stressed, overworked stylist, and these things happen. No biggie.

But this post isn't supposed to be about me. Instead, I want to relay a story that happened to my very harried stylist the other day.

She's a mom to two young kids and has an extremely demanding work schedule. Still, she recently managed to sneak a day to herself to do some Christmas and grocery shopping for the weekend's festivities, which she's hosting.

She spent hours at the mall, carrying heavy bags, wearing a hot, cumbersome winter coat, weaving in and out of crowded stores, standing in check-out lines... you get the picture.

By the end of the afternoon, feeling completely wiped out as she stood in the middle of Zellers (sort of like a K-mart, for you 'Merkins), she decided she could take no more and just. wanted. to. go. home.

She headed for the cashier and took her place in the long check-out line. Growing more tired and irritated by the minute, she shifted her weight from side to side, sighing audibly and stretching her neck to the side now and then to see how things were moving along at the front of the line. She thought, "Why do they always put the slowest, dimmest temps on the registers during the holidays?"

She glanced at her watch. Her arms were tired. Her purse felt like a sac full of lead weighing her shoulder down. Goddamn it, MOVE IT PEOPLE!

When it was finally her turn at the cash, she suddenly had a moment of stabbing clarity. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks and her eyes grew wide in alarm. The cashier gave her a puzzled look. "Ma'am?"

She had nothing to purchase.

It's like she had been on shopping auto-pilot, and just naturally gravitated to the check-out line when she decided it was time to leave. She mumbled a simple "thank you" to the cashier, and left the store.

After I stopped peeing my pants and wiping the tears from my eyes, I left her a hefty Christmas tip.

It's Christmas, asshole

2006-12-18T14:00:00.000-05:00

You know, if you're going to wait until mid-December to order something online for Christmas and not anticipate problems or delays in getting your shit on time, then you're an asshole.

If you're too cheap to spring for the safer expedited shipping method during the busiest season of the year for freight carriers all over the world, but still expect everything to go smoothly just for you, then you're an asshole.

If you think you're the only genius to think of ordering a Christmas gift online at the last fucking minute, and that people (oh, say... me and UPS, for example) are sitting here with our fingers up our asses waiting JUST FOR YOU to give us something to do, then you're an asshole.

If you think the postal service will not screw up delivery of your package a week before Christmas, then you're an idiot. But if you actually get upset when they DO screw up, then you're an asshole.

Okay... that's all the time I've got to vent this afternoon. If you happen to have landed on this blog while shopping online for Christmas gifts, then don't be an asshole, and select the goddamn costly expedited shipping method, 'mmkay?

Thanks, and Merry Christmas!

Running in circles

2006-12-16T14:11:00.000-05:00

So I mentioned yesterday that I had seen a doctor about the head-spinning thing and that I was feeling better. I figured that it'd be okay to resume using the treadmill today.

There was no running involved; just a brisk walk at a decent angle. I had no plans of being a hero... I just wanted to get moving again after 1.5 weeks of sitting on my ass.

I guess because I was still feeling a little vulnerable, I took extra notice of the safety warnings posted on my treadmill. One image in particular stood out:

I stared at it for a few moments, trying to figure out what was wrong with it. I soon realized that if I was going to fall off the treadmill during normal operation, this wouldn't be the way it would unfold.

If I lost my footing while moving, I would be whisked away towards the back end of the treadmill, and I would probably fall on my face.

If the belt suddenly came to a screeching halt while I was walking or running, it would seem that the speed I had generated would cause me to fly forward, straight into the control bars.

There are only two reasons I would end up looking like the guy in the image: One would be if I was shot from the front while moving on the treadmill. And if that happened, I don't think falling off the treadmill would be my biggest concern.

The second reason is the most obvious, and I'm sure you've already figured it out. A banana peel. Only stepping on a banana peel while walking on the treadmill would cause me to fall that way.

So it's settled. There will be no banana-eating on the treadmill.

Up 'side the head...

2006-12-15T11:06:00.000-05:00

If only I had known it would be so simple, I wouldn't have suffered for eleventeen days.

Last night, desperate to see a doc to get over this vertigo, I came up with a plan to beat the crowds in the walk-in clinics. I got up at 4am, had some breakfast, took a shower, and then went and parked myself in the empty hospital emergency room.

The timing was perfect; there wasn't a single other patient there. The place looked like the morning after a New Year's Eve party, though. All kinds of trash on the floor, chairs all over the place... it must have been a busy night.

Still, I was the only one there this morning. Ha! You HAVE to see me now, suckas!

And so they did.

I 'splained to the doc what was going on, and then looked into her eyes and said, "Fix me."

And so she did.

Turns out I had some particles floating around in my inner ear canals that don't belong there, and they were making my gravity sensors crazy. The only way to get them the hell out of where they don't belong, was to contort my head into a series of angles and positions to guide them out the gate. Sort of like one of those little plastic games that you have to lean gingerly one way, and then the other, to guide a little ball through a labyrinth.

It was uncomfortable and I hated every second of it (I had to deliberately induce the vertigo, over and over again), but IT WORKED!

I'll need to do it a couple more times to take care of any particle stragglers, but I am basically on steadier grounds now. And it feels awesome!!

So... what'd I miss?

I am beside myself...

2006-12-12T14:42:00.000-05:00

... or at least it feels that way.

For an entire week now, I've been dealing with bouts of severe vertigo. My right inner ear is on crack and if I change positions too quickly, it freaks the fuck out and takes me along for the ride.

It is the most frustrating (and I admit it... at times frightening) thing on earth. When it happens, I literally cannot tell which way is up. So straightening myself out proves to be an impossible challenge. I've had this before, but it only lasted a few days. Now that it's been a whole week, I decided to see a doctor.

Only, thanks to socialized medicine, it is impossible to actually get to see a doctor without waiting an eternity in a crowded clinic with dozens of people offering to share their flu. Seriously... I'm considering driving across the border and paying cash to see a private doc in Vermont. The drive would still be shorter than the wait by several hours, and at this point I will pay with my own blood if it will make the world stop spinning!

So yeah... add this little problem to the busiest season at work plus holiday preparations, and that's my excuse for the lack of posts.

I will try to be more diligent, but please... no sudden movements!

Bonding with James

2006-12-11T08:36:00.000-05:00

I finally went to see Casino Royale yesterday, and I would just like to take the opportunity to personally thank Daniel Craig for, you know... all that exercising he's been doing. And for perfecting that gaze.

Besides all that, I kinda liked the grittier, he's-on-his-first-assignment-and-is-not-yet-refined Bond. And I can't remember ever enjoying a Bond chase scene nearly as much as I did the opening scene in Casino Royale. Damn, that was good.

So, if you haven't seen this movie because the usual Bond stuff isn't your bag, you might want to check this one out.

Welcome to Salinas!

2006-12-06T14:51:00.000-05:00

State: Sunny California!
County: Monterey
Mayor: Dennis Donohue (Hey there Denny!)
Population: 151,060
Claim to Fame:
1. Birthplace of John Steinbeck
2. Nicknamed the "Salad Bowl of America" (how cute!)
3. Birthplace of every fucking E. coli outbreak across the U.S. and Canada in the past year.

Seriously. Y'all need to fix this. Stuff won't grow around here for another 8 months, so I'm counting on you, Salinas, to clean up your shit.

Literally.

The African Queen of Overbites

2006-12-06T11:31:00.000-05:00

I watched The African Queen last night. I've seen it many times before, and I always notice something new every time I view it.

Last night, I was completely distracted by Bogart's immense overbite. And then for the first time in my history of viewing Hepburn films, I ignored the mountainous cheekbones and was also drawn to her overbite.

I suppose my fascination could have been caused by the fact that I ended up at my dentist's chair yesterday afternoon, whining about a recurring pain I've been getting in my jaw joint. It was bothering me a lot yesterday, so I guess I just had teeth on the brain while watching the movie.

But still... there's no denying those overbites.

Calling all DINKs

2006-12-02T10:21:00.000-05:00

Remember that acronym? It was popularized during the Yuppie era. It means "double income, no kids".

There was a time, it seems, when every other couple was a Dink. Or maybe it just appeared that way, because I wasn't actually looking out for any at the time.

Thing is, it's really, really, difficult to get a social life going when you're 40 with no kids. Take our summer at the golf club, for example. Main Man and I were there every day this season, except for the few precious weeks that Step Son was here. We haven't been living in this area long, and thought the club would offer all kinds of opportunities to meet people and develop a circle of friends.

Problem is, everyone else who has the time to play golf like we do are either retired, or in their early 20's. Those in our age group are busy with their kids. (If Step-Son could be living here with us, or at least if he could visit more often, it'd be a whole different story, obviously).

We spent so many years trying to have kids, that the circle of friends we developed were couples going through the same fertility hell. The difference now, of course, is that every single one of them was eventually successful, and many of them are on their 2nd or 3rd kid by now. That leaves them with very little time to socialize with us, naturally.

So now we need to make new friends; friends like us. It's not that we're anti-family. It's just that we don't fit in. And besides, it'd be nice to socialize with people who have as flexible a schedule as we do. Only, we don't know where to find them. Where the hell are these Dinks? What do they do with their time?

If we had kids, we'd be meeting up with other parents all the time! Through daycare... playgroups... school functions... our kids' friends... on the playground... yadda yadda.

We work for ourselves, so finding friends at work isn't gonna happen. Are we really gonna have to wait until we retire to find friends in the same "place" as us? Christ... that's a long way away.

So yooooooooo-hoooooooo!!! Those of you in our age group with no kids (and who aren't gonna have any)... where the hell ARE you?? Where's your secret hang-out? Come out and play!