How to increase your protein intake
1. Eat more meat
2. Consume more dairy products
3. Eat more soy products
4. Engage in an outdoor activity in southern Quebec during the late Spring.
I learned two important things yesterday while golfing. The first, was to try to keep my mouth closed at all times. The second, was to drown a bug that is stuck in your throat with lots of water, rather than just try to swallow him whole.
The air right now is thick with bugs of all sizes. You cannot escape them. They are especially bountiful on a golf course, what with all the pine trees and cedars and water hazards and grass and other stuff that are either yummy to bugs, or an ideal place to lay eggs.
The first bug I ate was really tiny, and I pretty much scooped him up with my mouth while walking and talking... sort of like how a whale might scoop up plankton. I think I hesitated for a 1/2-second when it happened, and then just kept walking and talking, albeit a little grossed out.
The second bug, however, was a big fella. This time, I wasn't even walking. I was completely immobile, and in the midst of saying "Good shot, Main Man". But it came out as "Good sho.... gzgppppatzlllpsg.... UGH.... ghhzaapppttsssllggqqqllzkkka.... holy shi..... gggpppllllgzzsqkkkkkttaaghllhhhughalli!"
He was a feisty little dude, and even though he had made it half-way down my throat, he decided to fight for his life, and kept moving around.
I swallowed and I swallowed and I swallowed a shit-load of air trying to get him to go down. Dear god, if only he'd stop MOVING!! Eeewwww. I reached into my bag for my water bottle, and sipped n' swallowed, sipped n' swallowed... to no avail.
I fought with all my might the urge to gag. There was no way he was coming out of there, not without a very dramatic and embarrassing episode right there on the fairway. That, and I haven't thrown up in YEARS... I'm talking a decade or so... and this was NOT how it was going to go down!
I hadn't managed to swallow him completely yet, but I knew I had pushed him down further. Still, the sonofabitch fought me. I could feel him. I finally burped all that air I had swallowed earlier, and then I had the renewed capacity to swallow some more. I could no longer focus on golf. I could only muster the occasional frightened "Jesus, he's STILL moving!" with a scrunched-up face and a hand placed to my throat, so as to identify his exact location to my golf partner (in case he was interested).
I did win the battle by chugging - not sipping - huge amounts of liquid. I think this served to actually drown him, and it turns out it's easier to swallow something that is no longer fluttering in your throat.
I don't know what kind of bug he was, but I did name him "Squiggles".
What dignity I had left after that round of golf was completely smashed when we walked back to the club house and someone asked us "How'd you play?", and I quickly answered "I swallowed a huge bug!"
2. Consume more dairy products
3. Eat more soy products
4. Engage in an outdoor activity in southern Quebec during the late Spring.
I learned two important things yesterday while golfing. The first, was to try to keep my mouth closed at all times. The second, was to drown a bug that is stuck in your throat with lots of water, rather than just try to swallow him whole.
The air right now is thick with bugs of all sizes. You cannot escape them. They are especially bountiful on a golf course, what with all the pine trees and cedars and water hazards and grass and other stuff that are either yummy to bugs, or an ideal place to lay eggs.
The first bug I ate was really tiny, and I pretty much scooped him up with my mouth while walking and talking... sort of like how a whale might scoop up plankton. I think I hesitated for a 1/2-second when it happened, and then just kept walking and talking, albeit a little grossed out.
The second bug, however, was a big fella. This time, I wasn't even walking. I was completely immobile, and in the midst of saying "Good shot, Main Man". But it came out as "Good sho.... gzgppppatzlllpsg.... UGH.... ghhzaapppttsssllggqqqllzkkka.... holy shi..... gggpppllllgzzsqkkkkkttaaghllhhhughalli!"
He was a feisty little dude, and even though he had made it half-way down my throat, he decided to fight for his life, and kept moving around.
I swallowed and I swallowed and I swallowed a shit-load of air trying to get him to go down. Dear god, if only he'd stop MOVING!! Eeewwww. I reached into my bag for my water bottle, and sipped n' swallowed, sipped n' swallowed... to no avail.
I fought with all my might the urge to gag. There was no way he was coming out of there, not without a very dramatic and embarrassing episode right there on the fairway. That, and I haven't thrown up in YEARS... I'm talking a decade or so... and this was NOT how it was going to go down!
I hadn't managed to swallow him completely yet, but I knew I had pushed him down further. Still, the sonofabitch fought me. I could feel him. I finally burped all that air I had swallowed earlier, and then I had the renewed capacity to swallow some more. I could no longer focus on golf. I could only muster the occasional frightened "Jesus, he's STILL moving!" with a scrunched-up face and a hand placed to my throat, so as to identify his exact location to my golf partner (in case he was interested).
I did win the battle by chugging - not sipping - huge amounts of liquid. I think this served to actually drown him, and it turns out it's easier to swallow something that is no longer fluttering in your throat.
I don't know what kind of bug he was, but I did name him "Squiggles".
What dignity I had left after that round of golf was completely smashed when we walked back to the club house and someone asked us "How'd you play?", and I quickly answered "I swallowed a huge bug!"
posted by Berry at 10:16 AM
4 Comments:
ewww later you had bug burps!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Most horrifying story EVER. EEEEVVVVEERRRRRRRR. Crawling. In. Your. Throat. AHHHHH.
New topic: Is that dog real or a stuffed animal? I have never seen such a cute critter.
Amy, he's a stuffed pooch that sits in my office and keeps me company. If I press his left front paw, he bursts into Nazareth's "Love Hurts" and his head moves around a la Ray Charles.
He, however, does not eat bugs.
gack!
eating while playing sports. way to multi-task.
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