Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fluffy Chris is flattened

So, not only does Sanjaya appear to be immune to the bottom 3, but now Helen appears to be unkillable as well.

Wait, did I say Helen? I meant Heidi.

Phil is quickly becoming a fixture in the bottom 3, and it's looking like Heidi Holly will be joining him on a regular basis, but only for dramatic effect. She is clearly not going anywhere. It's become pretty obvious that whoever the third person is to join them on center stage next week will be the one to go.

The only question then is who gets to be the first to be sent back to safety: Phil, or Hannah?

Eventually, there will be only Phil and Hillary left in the grand finale. Phil will inevitably get the boot, and Heather will be crowned the newest American Idol.

Way to go, Hilda!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

American Idol - 10 bottles of beer on the wall

When I heard Gwen Stephani was the celebrity guest coach mentor thingie, I thought tonight would be a disaster. I just couldn't picture (for example) Lakisha attempting anything remotely related to Ska.

It seems the show producers were thinking along the same lines, because the contestants got to pick songs from people who "influenced Gwen" as well. Good call, fellas. I also suspect that Donna Summer was thrown in there for fun, because I can't for the life of me picture Ms. Stephani actually listing her as one of her influences. I guess they wanted to give Lakisha and Melinda something to shine with.

Anyway, without further ado...



Lakisha: Great vocals, but a wee bit predictable, I guess.

Fluffy Chris: Wow, a Police song. That can't be easy. Whoa... dude has zero rhythm. He gets all screwed up when he tries to move across the stage. (Steve Martin in The Jerk much?) Paula just summed it all up best... and I can't believe I just said that.

Goth Gina: She's actually sounding a million times better than the original. She's looking sexy, too, in a rock n' roll way... less highschool goth. Good job!

Sanjaya: HAAAAA-haha-ha!!!!!!!!!! Oh, bless you, Sanjaya! Seriously, you made my day! You know, you're way too young to remember this, but.... oh fuck it, I won't even try to explain it. Just.... here, look:

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Haley: Oh brother. She's soooooooo dramatic. Very soap-opera-y. She needs to be singing at some "fund raising" faith revival somewhere, hamming it up for the cameras.

Phil: He's sounding pretty good. But there's way too much make-up happening here. Ugly hat, too. Can't someone find this guy a decent hat???

Melinda: Yeah-yeah... it's flawless. No surprise there. I'm not digging that outfit, though.

Blake: Oh, I love The Cure. I thought for sure he'd pick a Police song. Don't you just want to see him sing Roxanne? He could totally rock that. So hey... he's not beat-boxing (hence the omission in his name tonight). Very good change of pace. This is working.

Jordin: I keep wanting her to move a little more, and then I remember that she's only 17. Maybe the sex appeal vibe just isn't there yet. But vocally, she's pulling this off. Again, though, her speed-laden bubbliness is rubbing me the wrong way. She needs to tone down that excitability a notch or six.

The Other Chris: Yep. I'm really liking the new added percussion to the arrangement. Oopsie, he forgot some words, but this is turning out pretty good. You know, the song's a good 10 years old now. He could record this version today and it'd be a hit.


I know I've mentioned Paula's newly coherent behaviour before, but I've been avoiding going so far as to say this: She's making more sense than Simon. There. I said it. And it's freaking me out a bit.

I hope you Americans are voting for Sanjaya, because I've GOT to see what this kid does next week...

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Stephanie, we hardly knew ye!

Wow. Can't say that I'm shocked at the voting results, but I am certainly disappointed.

The hilarious thing is that Sanjaya has made it into the Top 10, which means he's locked in for the Idol tour. It will be like the circus traveling with their very own clown-in-a-small-car for comic relief.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

American Idol - 11 bottles of beer on the wall

British Invasion night. This could go either way. Let's see...

Haley: Get the hell up off the stairs. This isn't a sit-down song. That's better. Oh, I see. Um... get yourself an underwire bra, too. Yikes, she's putting a little too much "sexy" out there. Jesus Christ, she almost gave the front row a lap dance! Oh my god, it's getting worse. She's doing boobie shakes! The judges are saying things like "girlish quality" and "young, fun". WTF???

The Other Chris: Yeah, I'm tired of the whole boy-band, nuts-in-a-vise alto thing, but I suppose he's very "now", and all the tweens are loving him, so I'm sure he's in it for the long haul (kind of like this sentence). That, and he's got those eyes. And that smile. And those eyes. And that height. And that smile.

Stephanie: You know, she's performing this perfectly - it's looking authentic. She doesn't have the best voice, but when she sings the words "believe me", I do. Aw, look... she's taking the judges' negative criticism like a champ. Again, I'm SO impressed with her maturity for her 19 years.

Beatbox Blake: Wow! Great voice control. It's weird... he's sexy one minute, and then suddnely, he's this geek in plaid pants doing the robot dance. I must say, though... awesome voice. There's a little Sting quality to it. And hey, he even looks like him a bit.

Laki(ki)sha: Bravo, Kiki. Bravo. God damn. Bra-freakin-VO, girl! Simon didn't like it because he can't make candy-pop albums out of that performance. But you, girl, will make zillions with that voice!

Phil: Hey... is that stubble on his head? Good, good. It tames the shine. It's certainly a lively performance, but I'm not digging it. It's, I dunno.... "messy". He's in severe danger tomorrow.

Jordin: Uh-oh... I'm nervous about this one. This is not usually a good tempo for her. Well, well.... she's making it work. Holy cow! She's REALLY making it work! Well-emoted, too. She doesn't have the maturity of Stephanie, though, and her tweenish, speedy "Like, omigod!" way of talking is annoying.

Sanjaya: Is everyone else as uncomfortable as me? Please make it stop. He's scaring that little girl.

Goth Gina: This is not working. At all.

Fluffy Chris: Ooooh, perfect song for his voice! I SO love to hear him sing. It's a very "clean" tone. I didn't like the dance move attempts, but really liked this performance in general.

Melinda: I'm a little bored with the song, but I could listen to that voice for days.



Tonight's nod goes to Ashley, the little crying girl. And to her future therapist.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Deja vu

We just had our second major blizzard in one month. I don't remember having this many blizzards within the first 8 years of my life, nevermind within a month.

So anyway, just a quick recap, because you heard it all during the last one, and this one doesn't warrant any new headlines.

It snowed very heavily.... blah blah.... strong winds... blah blah...... snow-covered windows..... yadda yadda...... buried cars...... blah blah.... lots of shoveling...... blah blah.

I remain sad and golfless.


Friday, March 16, 2007

You're just too needy

Hello, People Magazine. It's me... Berry.

Listen, we need to talk. I just got your letter in the mail today. Your fifth "Final Expiration Notice". For the love of god, PM... isn't it a bit much? Hasn't this dragged on long enough?

You need to let go, PM. I've already explained it all to you before, but you're just not hearing it. I used to like you. I used to like you a lot. Yeah, okay... maybe I even loved you. But things change, you know? People change. No, no... I mean "people" in general. I know you didn't change.

Actually, that was part of the problem. You grew stale, PM. And I wanted to move forward. I had to break away.

I was never going to tell you this, but since you refuse to let go, I'm going to have to be blunt. I used to cheat on you all the time, PM. That's right. Right under your nose. I'd be all over the 'net, getting my fix on other sites and on occasion, with other magazines. Look, I just couldn't help it. You weren't fulfilling my needs. What else was I supposed to do??

So please.... please leave me alone now, okay? I'll tell you right now that I haven't even opened your last 3 letters. Nope. Chucked them right into the trash. So don't bother writing to me anymore. You're just making a damn fool of yourself.

I'm moving in a couple of months, and you won't have my address anymore. Hopefully, you'll also be able to move on. Forget about me, PM. I'm just not attracted to you anymore.

Best,

Berry

Monday, March 12, 2007

There are some things money can't dye

Romantic trip to Rome: $13,000.00


Stylish leather over-the-shoulder man-purse: $1,500.00


The look on John Mayer's face when he realizes that his hot blond girlfriend has morphed into Paula Abdul: Priceless.




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Don't Look Back

This man was the voice behind the soundtrack of my youth:


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Don't recognize him? Yeah, he had a bit more of a 'fro going on 30 years ago, but I'm sure you'd recognize his voice in an instant. He's Brad Delp, lead singer for Boston. And he passed away on Friday... found dead in his home, alone. Not sure what happened yet, but there you have it.

I'm not trying to list a bunch of dead guys on my blog. It's just sort of turning out that way this week.

Anyway, R.I.P., Brad.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Whoa.... didn't see THAT coming

R.I.P., Richard Jeni. Thanks for the laughs.



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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Maybe I need a new battery

Thursday night, my car froze to death.

I tried to start her up Friday morning, only to discover the battery was dead. And I mean completely dead... not an ounce of juice left. Strange, since my car is only 2 years old.

Luckily, I drive a Saturn. It comes with a very handy roadside assistance guarantee. No matter where I am in Canada, I can simply dial the 1-800 number etched on my keychain and say "Help!", and they send help. For free.

So I called them up from home and asked them if a dead battery in my driveway qualifies for "roadside assistance". It did, and within 40 minutes, a tow truck pulled up. The guy gave me a boost, and instructed me to just let it idle for 15 minutes, then take it out for a spin. My problem should be solved. I asked, "Really? I don't need a new battery?" He said no, I should be fine. Yay!

I did exactly that, and then stopped somewhere for an errand. I cut the engine, went inside, and when I returned, I had a dead battery again. Fuck.

I wasn't far from our office, so I called Main Man from my cel and said "Help!". Luckily, he also offers free roadside assistance. He arrived within a few minutes and gave me a boost. He felt my battery probably needed more than just a boost. Perhaps I should take it to a place to get it properly charged. "Really? I don't need a new battery?" He said no, it probably just needs a serious charge. Yay!

So we drove both our cars to a battery place in our neighbourhood, and the guy told us it would probably need to charge for quite a while... like overnight. Thing is, it was Friday, and they'd be closed until Monday. Not the ideal solution. Still, he came out to the car (which I had left running, because I'm smart like that), and took a look at my battery. "Oh," he said. "This looks new! How old is this car?" So I told him. "That's not right," he said. "Something's not right here. Might be electrical." "Really?" I asked. "I don't need a new battery?" He said no. I should take the car to the dealer and see what's up.

So we drove both our cars to the Saturn dealer across town. I left my car running, because I'm smart like that. I talked to the service guy, and he listened and said, "Sounds like the blah-blah-blah. Your battery's probably fine, but the blah-blah-blah could be draining it. We might just need to change the blah-blah-blah." "Really?" I asked. "I don't need a new battery?" He said probably not, but he'd have a look this afternoon, and hopefully they'd be able to resolve the problem before they close for the weekend at 5pm. Yay!

So I left my car there, and rode home with Main Man. By now, it was mid-day.

At 4pm, the Saturn guy calls. "Hi Berry. Your car's ready. Yeah, so it turns out your battery needed changing. So we put in a new battery."

Huh. You don't say.

Friday, March 09, 2007

The Big Thaw

It's supposed to start happening today. The moment we've been waiting for. Nay, PLEADING for.

It's still -25 out there right now, but the weatherman has promised us that this is it... it's all over as of today... we're coming out of the deep freeze for true this time.

We should be seeing -8 by this afternoon (that's about 18 F.). And then... and then... 5 to 12 degrees for the next 7 days!!!! WOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!! Sorry, sorry... that's 40's and 50's in Americkese.

Snow will be melting. Birds will be singing. And I will be polishing my golf clubs.



Wednesday, March 07, 2007

American Idol - The Girls, week 3

I have no complaints. Tonight was fun! Let's get right down to it, shall we?

Jordin: Yep. She really shines when she rocks it out. Way better than the guys. And she's just. so. beautiful. I think she'll be safe tomorrow.

Sabrina: Have I mentioned, waaaaaay better than the guys? I like this song, and she moves well on the stage. The judges are saying the exact opposite. Clearly, they're on drugs. She did a great job.

Antonella: Yikes. Her voice is not nearly "clear" enough to sing Corinne. She's (hopefully) gone tomorrow. But wait a minute... the judges are being incredibly soft on her. Oh yeah, that's right. They're trippin' tonight. Except Simon. Yay, Simon! He's telling it like it is... it's the end of the road for her (or at least, it should be).

Haley: Bye, Haley.

Stephanie: You know what? I think she's this season's dark horse. Very talented, great stage presence, very professional. Remember, she's only 19! She's gonna give the shoo-ins a run for their money. She'll keep them on their toes.

Lakisha: She's pulling off Whitney like nobody's business, and she's making it look totally effortless. Holy cow her family's hilarious! (Lakisha: "Oh my god, I told 'em don't act up!"). This girl will make lots of $$$, with or without Idol.

Goth Gina: The latest Evanescence hit. Hmmm... it suits her, but she's shouting it, and she's running out of steam near the end. I like her, though, and really hope she makes it tomorrow.

Melinda: From roaring woman to cowardly mouse. Ryan's urging her to "own it!". Even the judges, behind all that gushing, look like they're growing a little tired of showering her with compliments in an effort to boost her confidence. Okay Mel... you're good, you're good. Time to pull that backbone out of your pocket!


In a fair world, Antonella and Haley would go tomorrow. But I have a sinking feeling Antonella will stay (Hawaiian Jasmine, anyone?), and Goth Gina will get the boot instead.

American Idol - The Boys, week 3

Thank god this was only an hour. Aren't there any good songs on the list they can choose from?? I'm having difficulty writing these things without complaining through the entire thing.

That said, here goes:

Beatbox Blake: Well, you've done it now. You started to prove a couple of weeks ago that you could sing other types of stuff and that you actually had a really great voice, but now you've gone and pigeon-holed yourself. What IS that song, anyway? I thought maybe it was a Sublime tune, but turns out it's not. Not my thing, but this style does come naturally to him.

Sanjaya: Awwww. Such a pretty girl. God this is sucking. He's annoyingly gentle. Everything he does is done gingerly... the tone and loudness of his singing; his movements; even his blinking! Oh, here we go... the old Paula is resurfacing. Her speech is completely aimless. Yay! Simon's turn; he's really showing his homophobic stripes here.

Sundance the garden gnome: Pearl Jam?? On Idol?? I so loved this album when it came out. But he's really crucifying this.

The Other Chris: This guy's a cutie pie. I'm bored with the song, and his voice grates on me a bit, but I'm enjoying watching him.

Jared: What? An exceptionally tall black guy who plays basketball? No way!! Someone else sang this a few weeks ago.... Sanjaya, maybe? I don't like his voice nor his stage presence, but he seems like a nice enough guy.

Background Brandon: Um, the world already has a Lenny Kravitz, dude. And he does that thing way better than you. You know, this guy's really coming off as completely phony now. That smile has "forced" written all over it.

Phil: Oh no! Fugly hat! Fugly hat! He started off hilariously on the wrong note (wtf happened there? LOL), but redeemed himself later in the song. Seriously, though. Is this the only hat you could find?? Whoa. It's more distracting in its fugliness and ill-fitting-ness than your shiny head.

Fluffy Chris: Okay, Chris. I'm counting on you to help me stop sounding like a miserable hag. Hmmmm... sounding pretty good. Yep, best singer by far. Really love this guy's voice. Okay song, I guess. Um, but what's with the request for a hug from Ryan? That's just weird.

I hope the girls are more inspiring tomorrow...

Friday, March 02, 2007

And the winners are...

Kate and Pete.

Named Sexiest Woman and Sexiest Man at the Shockwaves NME Awards 2007 in London.

I shit you not.

Sexiest.


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Photo: Richard Lewis/Wireimage