When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it. - (Yogi Berra)
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I've always wanted to be cool
... and this is the gadget that will do it for me.
It's not even June yet, and already I'm sleeping in a sauna. I'm getting me a portable a/c unit, and I'm getting me some sleep this summer.
If this season is as ridiculously hot and humid as last year (and it's certainly headed that way, according to the wood warping in my home as I type), then I might just move into our air-conditioned bedroom permanently until Autumn.
I went hunting for a cooling unit yesterday, and I've picked one out. I don't care how much it costs, how much noise it makes, how much current it will suck, or how much Bob Villa channelling I will have to do in order to install the damn thing..... I will buy it. Oh yes I will. And I will be cool.
1. Eat more meat 2. Consume more dairy products 3. Eat more soy products 4. Engage in an outdoor activity in southern Quebec during the late Spring.
I learned two important things yesterday while golfing. The first, was to try to keep my mouth closed at all times. The second, was to drown a bug that is stuck in your throat with lots of water, rather than just try to swallow him whole.
The air right now is thick with bugs of all sizes. You cannot escape them. They are especially bountiful on a golf course, what with all the pine trees and cedars and water hazards and grass and other stuff that are either yummy to bugs, or an ideal place to lay eggs.
The first bug I ate was really tiny, and I pretty much scooped him up with my mouth while walking and talking... sort of like how a whale might scoop up plankton. I think I hesitated for a 1/2-second when it happened, and then just kept walking and talking, albeit a little grossed out.
The second bug, however, was a big fella. This time, I wasn't even walking. I was completely immobile, and in the midst of saying "Good shot, Main Man". But it came out as "Good sho.... gzgppppatzlllpsg.... UGH.... ghhzaapppttsssllggqqqllzkkka.... holy shi..... gggpppllllgzzsqkkkkkttaaghllhhhughalli!"
He was a feisty little dude, and even though he had made it half-way down my throat, he decided to fight for his life, and kept moving around.
I swallowed and I swallowed and I swallowed a shit-load of air trying to get him to go down. Dear god, if only he'd stop MOVING!! Eeewwww. I reached into my bag for my water bottle, and sipped n' swallowed, sipped n' swallowed... to no avail.
I fought with all my might the urge to gag. There was no way he was coming out of there, not without a very dramatic and embarrassing episode right there on the fairway. That, and I haven't thrown up in YEARS... I'm talking a decade or so... and this was NOT how it was going to go down!
I hadn't managed to swallow him completely yet, but I knew I had pushed him down further. Still, the sonofabitch fought me. I could feel him. I finally burped all that air I had swallowed earlier, and then I had the renewed capacity to swallow some more. I could no longer focus on golf. I could only muster the occasional frightened "Jesus, he's STILL moving!" with a scrunched-up face and a hand placed to my throat, so as to identify his exact location to my golf partner (in case he was interested).
I did win the battle by chugging - not sipping - huge amounts of liquid. I think this served to actually drown him, and it turns out it's easier to swallow something that is no longer fluttering in your throat.
I don't know what kind of bug he was, but I did name him "Squiggles".
What dignity I had left after that round of golf was completely smashed when we walked back to the club house and someone asked us "How'd you play?", and I quickly answered "I swallowed a huge bug!"
Last night I was drawn to the dramatic "BREAKING NEWS!!" headlines, expecting to read about something very important and, you know... relevant. It turns out that the urgent announcement was about Angelina Jolie poppin' out a kid.
Of course, the details remain cloaked in mystery. But we do have a name for the little princess: Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Awwwww...
(I really do think it's absolutely adorable that they've chosen to use a French word as her middle name, but "nouvel" refers to something new and masculine. "Nouvelle" refers to something feminine. I'm just sayin'....)
Anyway, I can't wait for this little one to grow up and create world peace. That is what she was bred for, right?
Seriously, I'm not anti-kid nor anti-save-the-world-from-poverty, but I am anti make-me-think-something-important-is-happening-when-it's-just-a-Hollywood-star-having-a-kid-in-Africa.
And anyway, Rob Lowe's brother and the Million Dollar what's-her-name have now officially filed for divorce. I'm afraid the joyous moment of the 2nd Coming is overshadowed by this very sad and unfortunate news.
Excuse me. I need a moment to myself now... this is all just so, like, overwhelming.
Wanna hear something really cool? Scientists (and this is no joke) are this close to actually inventing an invisibility cloak.
Yes! That's right.... an invisibility cloak!!! It involves doing something with "metamaterials" and bending lights and a few other details. Real complicated scientific stuff.
I just built a prototype invisibility cloak with some spare fabric, and when I threw it over my toaster (my favourite appliance to test things with), it disappeared!!!
I'm so excited!! I can't wait to get one so I can walk around naked and play tricks on people.
One of the first things out of Ryan's mouth refers to the fact that the show has been airing since January.
January??!!! Really?? I've been dedicating my Tuesday nights to this show since January? Christ, I need to get a life!
The obvious truth came out during this last showdown: Taylor's a natural; Katharine's not.
Sure, she has the expert voice training. And she also appears to have undergone some pageant-like stage training (how to look insincere and phony while smiling and batting your eyes at the camera). But a natural performer, she isn't. She's too technical.
Taylor, on the other hand, commands attention when he's on stage. He could be singing a meatloaf recipe, and he'll relay it with such gusto and animation that we'll all be craving meatloaf before the song is over... and it would be the best meatloaf we've ever had.
Taylor will win, or at least he should. Whoever said he was not marketable is insane. People will trip over themselves in a hurry to see this guy perform live, because his performances will never be predictable. When his songs come on the radio, people will be shouting "Woo!" and "Soul patrol!" in their cars, even if they're alone.
In the meantime, Katharine needs to shed the plastic and earn her stripes. She needs to go sing in a seedy club for a couple of years and experience a few of life's pitfalls before she takes the big stage again. She needs some unsheltered life experiences to teach her to feel her lyrics. (I'll never get over her smiling through her "blues" song.) No amount of voice coaching will do that for her.
It's STILL raining, and I haven't been able to golf since (gasp!) Tuesday. Main Man is away on business, so I rented a few movies and camped out in front of the TV all day. I had some catching up to do.
Here are my rain-induced grumpified reviews:
Brokeback Mountain: What.... is that it? I mean, seriously... what was all the hype about? This reminds me of my reaction to The English Patient. I didn't get all that hype either. I did love the cinematography, though. I only wish I could've understood Heath Ledger's lines a little more clearly.
North Country: It was Norma Rae-meets-Silkwood Light. Charlize Theron is way too pretty, and smearing some dirt on her face doth not a miner make her. And why on earth would a northern Minnesota chick have a southern accent?? Shit, northern Minnesota-ites have thicker Canadian accents than Canadians.
A History of Violence: I was dying to see this one. I was sure the whole movie was going to be about the mystery of "Tom"'s real identity. Then it's revealed that he really is Joey The Killer. (Oops... belated spoiler alert). I wasn't expecting that little gem to be solved within the first hour, and without much fanfare. The dialogue bordered on cheesiness too often to not be noticeable.
Memoirs of a Geisha: Oooh, yes. I enjoyed this one thoroughly. Probably because I never read the book. But for the first time today, I didn't see a single scene coming. Beautiful cinematography as well. And good score. (What the hell will happen to movie scores when John Williams dies??)
They're calling for more rain tomorrow, but my ass is sore and I couldn't possibly sit through another movie.
Imagine you're a graduate student from the Congo named Guy (Goma). You've been invited to the BBC studios to interview for a job. You're sitting in a reception room, going over your prepared interview answers and waiting to be called.
Now imagine you're editor of Newswireless.net, named Guy (Kewney). You've been invited to the BBC studios to be interviewed on-air for your expert opinion on the whole Apple computers vs. Apple music label thingie. You're sitting in another reception room, going over your prepared interview answers and waiting to be called.
Now imagine you're a producer for BBC news. Your job is to fetch Guy Kewney for his on-air interview. You're very busy, and pissed off that you don't have an assistant to do this kind of menial crap. You open the door to a reception room, ask "Are you Guy?", and when Guy says "yes", you hurry him into the studio and clip a microphone on his lapel.
Phew... thank goodness for delusional con-artistChristian tycoon Pat Robertson! His pal God revealed some secrets to him during a recent chit-chat.
According to Patty, America's coastlines will be whipped by storms in 2006 (gasp... impossible!!), and there's even talk of a tsunami on the northwest coast!!!
.... not that tsunami's status as the latest fear-inducing buzz word has anything to do with this.
But anyway...
I'm sure if we all send him enough money, Patty will do his best to save us all from the jewsgaysliberalsVenezuelans storms!
The judges are acting like overly tired children tonight, and Ryan is this close to either calling a time-out or grounding them all.
This is promising to be a very entertaining night (from the contestants, anyway)... and I'm very much looking forward to it.
My take:
ELLIOTT: Open Arms: Perfect song choice for him. Perfect performance. What You Won't Do for Love: Perfect choice again. I love this song! I could watch him sing this type of stuff for a long period of time. This is definitely his genre. I Believe to my Soul: Not a well-known song. He's not showing the "coming out of his shell" side of him like in the first two songs. He's back to nailing his feet to one spot on the stage. He has no stage presence at all right now... proof of that is the fact that I'm writing this while he's singing. When I look up from the page, he's in the EXACT same position as before; I've missed nothing.
KATHARINE: I Believe I Can Fly: Yes, and I believe I'm sick of you, Kat. Why does her face NEVER match the sentiments of the lyrics?? This has irritated me from day one. She needs a faster paced song... that's where she excels. Paula is stuttering through her critique and seems stalled on a word. She wants to say how much Kat sucked, but she is incapable of being anything other than butterflies-and-puppies positive. Kat was not pleased with the song choice... this much was obvious during the video clip with Clive Davis. When she learned what the song was, her face dropped and I do believe I saw a dagger or two shoot from her eyes. Somewhere Over the Rainbow: I'm not familiar with this rendition, but she sounds great and is doing an awesome job. I Ain't Got Nothin' but the Blues: Kat enters stage-left with her usual cheesy stripper strut. She's doing that thing again with her face... that perma-smile thing. She's singing about having the blues, and yet she's smiling all over the place!!!! Ugh. Just get it over with already.
TAYLOR: Dancing in the Dark: He's doing a great job. I am half-expecting an 18-yr-old Courtney Cox to climb up on stage and dance (like in the original video, for those of you too young to remember). Oh look! He's showing great entertainment insight by trying to recreate that famous video dance scene with Paula. Hmmm... but it's not quite working out. Good idea, though. You Are So Beautiful: Haven't I been saying ALL ALONG that he reminds me of Joe Cocker??!! I have goosebumps before he has even started to sing. I just KNOW he's gonna nail this. Yep. He's nailing it alright. This has to be the most authentic performance I've ever seen on American Idol (with Fantasia's "Summertime" running a very close 2nd). Try a Little Tenderness: Oh man... he's SO winning this next week. I have smiled through this entire performance. He's absolutely riveting. What a great way to end the evening!
It doesn't really matter whether Elliott or Katharine goes on Wednesday, because Taylor's walking away with the trophy in the end. I do hope it's Katharine that goes, though. Elliott deserves one more day in the spotlight.
Right on schedule, American Idol is having their pre-finals scandal involving phone lines for voting.
Last year, Fox displayed the wrong phone numbers for 3 of the contestants, resulting in 3 other contestants getting those votes. Fox then decided to punish viewers by making us sit through a re-do show the following night, which included a whole other Anthony Federov performance. It was painful, but we survived (and Anthony didn't).
This year, the scandal involves our friend Chris, who got the boot on Wednesday. It seems that "thousands" of people have complained, saying that when they dialed Chris' number, they were greeted by Katharine's voice, thanking them for their vote.
Naturally, they would dial again, thinking they had misdialed the first time, only to place yet ANOTHER vote for Katharine.
I don't know what Fox plans to do about it, or if they even plan to address it all.
But seriously... I have a complaint of my own. Pop music is running out of good scandals, and I for one am bored and will not stand for it! Lindsay Lohan has started to eat again (dammit), MJ is tucked away beneath a burqa in Bahrain (psssst... Mikey,.... those are for girls!), Britney hasn't thrown K-Fed out yet...
(Sigh).... I guess we'll always have Leif Garrett to look to during slow times.
Tonight is Elvis night, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm eager to see if this bunch can sing something... ANYTHING... that is more current. I've had it with the oldies already.
The show kicks off with the contestants travelling to Graceland. A wax figure of Priscilla Presley greets them at... oh wait,..... no.... I see now.... that's the real Priscilla Presley. Holy crap, what the hell has she done to her face?? And why didn't she just ask the surgeons to go ahead and do her neck, too? She can barely move her lips, they're so swollen and grotesque. I'm scared, and I need to close my eyes until this bit is over.
Okay, on with the show. My take:
TAYLOR: Song #1: Lots of energy... good, good. I hate the suit. He's being his usual fun-loving weird self. During the critique, Simon loudly tells Paula to "Shut up" when she won't stop interrupting him. Sadly, I am more entertained by this than by Taylor's performance. Song #2: Definitely his style of music! Love it. This is his best, I think. Woooweee... I didn't know our boy was capable of such a high note. Yes... this is good.
CHRIS: Song #1: He gets Tommy Mottola's endorsement right off the bat. Chris' stage get-up is making him look like Vin Deisel. I'm liking this performance, but I'm not digging that cheesy move he makes when he removes the shades. Song #2: Wow... Chris sings a deeper key! It's working, it really is! You know, I wish he'd do something different with the mic. His stage stance is starting to look old. Yikes... I did NOT like that primal scream at the end.
ELLIOTT: Song #1: During his rehearsal video clip, Elliott looks like he probably hung out the car window like a pooch during the ride over to Graceland. Wtf is up with that hair???!!! Wow... awesome vocals! Possibly the best he's ever done! (Even Paula agrees). Song #2: No, I was wrong. This is possibly the best he's ever done. Amazing! His face is not matching the lyrics, though. He looks way too innocent and harmless to be singing about how much "Trouble" he is; how "evil" he is. It's almost like watching Chicken Little attempt "Bad to the Bone". I have to look away in order to believe the lyrics.
KATHARINE: Song #1: You know, her voice is really quite good when she sings an upbeat song. Damn, I hate that stripper strut of hers. It doesn't work AT ALL. Her performance looks, I dunno... messy. Her flying hair is bothering me... she looks like she's been in a bar brawl or something. Song #2: Okay, one thing I've never liked is that country "whining" sound some singers make. She's doing it way too much here. Stop it!!!!! No, no, no... this song isn't working at all. I don't like this weird arrangement, either. It should be a tender song. Eeek, she's ended it on a really sour note, too. Yep... she's going home, and it looks like she knows it.
My favorite tonight was Taylor's second song (In the Ghetto). Next week had better be more modern songs!!!!
Update on Keith Richards: Stunt Man Extraordinaire
It turns out he was a bit more hurt during his Fiji vacation than previously reported, and Mr. Richards recently underwent brain surgery to relieve a subdural hematoma, blah blah...
Whatever. He's recovering now and doing fine. What I really wanted to talk about was what I just read on People.com. Here's what People reports:
"Richards, 62, was flown to Auckland, New Zealand, for observation after sustaining a 'mild concussion' while on vacation in Fiji, said the rep. Various news reports have said that Richards fell from a coconut tree, a Jet Ski or a combination of the two."
Um..... excuse me?
Does that mean he fell from a jet ski that was balancing atop a coconut tree? Or was he riding a jet ski when the coconut tree fell, then rolled down the beach and into sea, was flung into the air by a wave, and subsequently landed on Keith Richards?
Or does it mean that he simply fell from a jet ski, then said to hell with jet skiing, I want me a coconut, and so he climbed a tree, and then fell from that too?
Yes, well.... I'll tell you what I think. Keith Richards was passed out under a coconut tree, (and everyone knows you NEVER sit under a coconut tree), and a coconut fell on his head. No stunts, no adventure,... just a ripe coconut that let go.
I've just had a dramatic experience involving my first sip of coffee for the day... and my wind pipe.
My morning coffee is always accompanied by a certain level of eagerness and anticipation. I LOVE my morning coffee (even though it's decaf). It's because of this love that I tend to turn my first sip into a giant, slobbering gulp. Not a slurp.... slurping irritates me.... but definitely a slobbering gulp.
This morning, I sat down in my office in front of my computer with coffee in hand. This is my usual "first sip" spot. I open Outlook, and while it downloads eleventeen-thousand spam messages, I sip my coffee.
I must have gotten my body commands wrong today, because instead of sending the "swallow" command to my throat, I accidentally sent the "inhale deeply" command to my lungs.
And this is where all hell broke loose.
I suddenly find myself with a significant amount of coffee making its way down my air pipe, and thanks to the "giant first gulp" ritual, I also have a rather significant amount of coffee still in my mouth, with nowhere to go.
I urgently need to cough, and I need to do it now. But I'm sitting in front of my computer, so that won't do. I stand up quickly, sending my wheeled chair flying behind me. I frantically look around. There's nowhere for me to safely cough a mouthful of coffee without spraying some form of expensive electronic stuff. (In hindsight, I did have a very handy coffee cup RIGHT THERE in my hand, but it never occurred to me to use it). I decide that my only hope is to make a mad dash for the bathroom, which is really only about 10 feet away. Completely do-able. Once inside the bathroom doorway, I catch sight of the sink (about 3 feet away) and feel that I have made it. So I cough. A lot. Mind you, there was still 3 feet between me and the sink.
So this morning, before my morning coffee (!!!), I had to clean the bathroom. On a Sunday. That ticked me off, and got me thinking that I'd like to have someone to blame for this. (It certainly wasn't my fault).
And then it occurred to me: Why the hell are we designed like this anyway?? It doesn't make sense. It's like a cruel joke. Putting the wind pipe so close to the esophagus?... and to have everything coming in from the same gate?... it's madness!! I think that whoever's in charge of the next evolutionary phase should give this some careful thought. We need a new design.
Is it just me, or is there no oomph to this season?? By now, we should be feelin' it. And I'm not really feeling it.
My uninspired take:
ELLIOTT: Song #1: Good, but not memorable. His voice is awesome, but he still has this look of utter fear in his eyes when he sings. Song #2: Hmmm.... I'm thinking it's not a good idea to keep singing "I wanna go home", "let me go home". But overall, a very good performance. Um... he's running offstage now. Whoa, Elliott... where ya goin', buddy? Looks like he forgot to stand for his critique. The whole scene is making Paula cackle, and it's a pretty scary sound. (Oh lookie here... Simon just mentioned what I said about the "going home" lyrics).
PARIS: Song #1: I didn't take to Prince's original version of this song, nor Tom Jones' version... but this one is actually working for me. She's doing a good job. I'm feeling a bit nervous watching her pounce around in those heels, though. They're looking dangerously tricky. Song #2: Wow! She's looking comfortable and authentic for the first time! I don't know Mary J.'s original version of this, so I have a virgin perspective of this performance, and I'm loving it. ...And I don't even usually like R&B. I think Paris may have saved herself tonight.
CHRIS: Song #1: Okay, I was 13 and a HUGE Styx fan when "Renegade" came out. I know every one of their songs by heart. This was.... good... ish. It's lacking some form of pizazz. Can't put my finger on it. Everyone else seems to like it, maybe because they don't know the original. Song #2: I don't know this song. He's okay, but I still don't think he's got Bo's presence on stage. Yikes!! He's getting mighty screechy now. Oh man... take it down a notch, Chris. Your voice is failing. The judges have noticed too (how could they not?). They seem to be protecting him, though... giving him a chance to explain.
KATHARINE: Song #1: "Against All Odds" is right. Yeesh.... this is horrible. Not sure what's going on during the judges' critique period... there are strange, confusing discussions taking place. Song #2: Why is she on her knees? Why won't she get up?? It's distracting. Maybe she wasn't sure how to move to this music, so she thought she'd better play it safe and take her feet out of the game? She's sounding good, though. I'm not sure she'll make it past tonight. That first song was painful.
TAYLOR: Song #1: Perfect song choice!! Just perfect. Look at 'em all!... they're on their feet, dancing and clapping. He's sort of the male "Ellen" when it comes to dancing. He seems to inspire people to just let go and move, no matter how much they look like Seinfeld's Elaine at her office party. Oooh, even his shirt selection is perfect tonight. He's ending his song by collapsing on the floor with his trademark "Woooo!".... LOVING THIS! Song #2: Another great song choice. Joe Cocker covered this too, and Taylor is often compared to Joe. Yeah, he's sounding great. Once again, I am mesmerized and thoroughly entertained by this guy. But I still think he's holding back... something's lacking. Maybe he needs more time to wind himself up during a song. The usual 30 second clips aren't cutting it.
I actually don't care who goes tonight, as long as it's not Taylor because he's the only one whose performances I actually look forward to. I think it'll be one of the girls, though. Maybe Katharine.
Mysister is a single mom to three kids, and she manages to run a household and hold a demanding full-time job.
Given this, I shouldn't have been surprised at the response I got when trying to tell her a new Knock-Knock joke I'd just heard:
Me: Oh hey... I've got a joke for you. Knock-knock...
Sis: (picking stuff up off the floor and moving at 90mph) Come in!
Me: (laughing my ass off).... Okay, let's try it again. Knock-knock...
Sis: (wiping something gooey off the table, and giggling at her first mistake) Come in!
Me: (not laughing so hard this time).... Seriously. You know how this works, right?
Sis: (busy with something else; clearly having lost interest in the joke) Yeah, uh-hunh....... What were you saying?
I'm not sure what I should be most concerned about: The fact that she has no time to think; or the fact that her knee-jerk response to someone knocking is to say "Come in!", without ever asking who it is...
