Keith Richards Can't Fly

I read this morning that Keith Richards was hospitalized after falling out of a tree in Fiji. (He's fine)

Somehow - and I don't know why - this seems entirely appropriate. The thought of him plummeting from a palm tree seems almost.... normal.

I won! I won!

I won the lottery!!! I can't believe it!!!

Well, okay, not the jackpot. And not the almost-jackpot either. I actually only had a couple of numbers..... but I won $5!!!!!!

According to the lottery's statistics, there were 14,855 of us who won $5. If only those other 14,854 jerks hadn't chosen the same numbers I did, I would have won $74,275... ALL TO MYSELF!!!

Okay, maybe it doesn't work that way, but according to my calculations and statistics, if it wasn't for all those other people infringing on my lottery strategy (and stealing the EXACT SAME NUMBERS that I'm using... the bastards), then I would've won the entire jackpot!!

... if all those other people weren't there.... and the stupid lottery people would've called just a couple more of my numbers. I'd be like... LOADED now!

(sigh) I'm SO tired of getting cheated and ripped off. I'm going to cash in my ticket, collect the $5, and buy another ticket. Only this time, I'm going to pick really obscure numbers that I'm SURE nobody else will think of.

It's all in the strategy...

American Idol - 6

The evening begins with 4 very pertinent observations: Ryan has FINALLY found his missing razor; David Foster's an arrogant jerk; Andrea Bocelli's a doll; and much to my delight, we have a drunk Paula (apparently with a side of emotional PMS to boot).

No-one blew me away tonight, but I was mildly entertained. My take:

KATHARINE: In response to Paula's boobage show-offage from last week, Katharine has done a squeeze-and-perk to her own cleavage, and the challenge is on once again. She has a lovely voice, but I just can't take the theatrics. Her facial expressions are insincere, and also confusing... she's passionate and angry one second; smiling and demure the next. Please do pick an emotion and stick to it, sweetie. The judges are harsh on her, which surprises me. Are they doing the reverse psychology bit on the TV viewers, hoping to elicit tons of sympathy votes for their favourite gal?

ELLIOTT: Oh, Elliott. I just love ya, baby! You deserve great, great things. (Oh God.... Paula's crying. Get it together, hon). Is it me, or is he downright handsome tonight?

KELLIE with an "ie": Uh, yeah... I see she dressed up for tonight's event... faded black jeans and tight tank top 'n all. As usual, she starts off pretty good and then nose-dives into suckiness. Maybe her stupidity gets in the way halfway through her performance, and she just forgets what she's doing up there? If Paris wasn't there to get the boot this week, Kellie would be the one to go.

PARIS: You know, this doesn't remind me of Barbra Streisand's version at all. It sounds more like the Gladys Knight live version, only nowhere NEAR as good. Aw man, I'm disappointed. I was expecting more "wow" from her, especially with this song... so much potential here! Instead, I find myself grimacing at the over-emoting. Okay, we're nearing the end now, and..... Omfg WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT???!!!! Holy crap, that final note just SCARED me! It's supposed to be very sofffft.... winding down...... it looked like she was heading that way, but then she ambushed us with a screech. Dang, girl. A little warning next time, k?

TAYLOR: Yep. David Foster, despite his penchant for jerkness, has hit the nail on the head with his comment: Taylor has the most charisma out of all of the contestants. Hands down. (Sorry Kellie... ditziness doesn't count for charisma). Once again, the performance is a bit dull, and the song comes to life only near the end when Taylor breaks out and allows himself to be "Taylor". Ya can't chain this guy down... he needs to move around and let loose; get wild; get lost in the song. Hmmm... Simon's trying to finish his mostly negative comment on a good note, but Paula has turned aggressive and taken over. She's standing up and waving her arms. Shut up, Paula... he was about to say something nice, and Taylor could use it.

CHRIS: This guy is by far the smartest one of the bunch. Out of all the potential sappy love songs on the roster, he picks the most romantic one, originally sung by a guy whose voice isn't that good anyway. He then brings out the flamenco guitarists. He sings about what a woman really wants to hear. Women at home and in the live audience are involuntarily swaying from side to side with the music. I can't even tell you how well he may or may not be singing, because the song, the guitars, the lighting, Chris' looks... that's all I'm into right now. (Distracting side note: Oh man... Paula is SO high!!!!)

Out of tonight's performances, Elliott wins hands down. Kellie should leave, but it'll probably be Paris. I wouldn't be surprised if Katharine was in the bottom 3.

When two rebounds meet

First of all, I had originally typed up a really good weekend recap post involving spaghetti, blueberry cake, cinnamon, and a white shirt. But Blogger.com was on crack again and the post was lost. I can't bear to type the whole damn thing out again, so I'm settling for trashy gossip instead....

Denise Richards and Richie Sambora are an item. Yep, they're doin' it.

Now that's what I call a tasty recipe for disaster: On the one hand, you take a ditsy chick with two very young kids, and stick her in the middle of a vicious divorce case involving a potentially psycho husband.

Then you take a ditsy rock star with a young kid, and stick him in the middle of a messy divorce.

For spice, you add the fact that the rocker's very beautiful estranged wife, Heather Locklear, was Denise Richards' close friend and cheerleader during the earlier stages of her split with Charlie Sheen (potential psycho). Denise cried on Heather's shoulder, and Heather helped take care of baby Lola. They went out on Girls' Nights Out, and Heather showered her friend with gifts at her baby showers. What are friends for, right?

Well, according to Richards, friends are for swooping in on suddenly available estranged husbands of close friends. Why not, right? I mean, how can this possibly go wrong??

Ooooh, this saga is getting juicier and juicier by the day. I give it 8 out of 10 red flags.

Stupid is as stupid does

I never really understood that expression until today.

Picture this: An elderly man knocks on your door and says he's going door-to-door offering free breast exams. Do you...

A) Slam the door in his face;
B) Slap him, and slam the door in his face;
C) Sic your dog on him;
D) Smile at the courageous effort it must have taken to even come up with this plan (while slamming the door in his face); or
E) Invite him inside to begin the exam.

Yeah. It turns out that "E" is an actual option. Not only did a 76-yr-old man manage to slither inside one woman's Florida home and fondle to his little heart's desire... he managed to do it again in another woman's home. (!!!) Wait...there's more. He also fandangled the free breast exam into a full gyne exam in at least one home. (I know!!!!!!)

While this sort of thing would normally ellicit total outrage from me, I'm more intrigued by just how the hell someone can fall for this scenario. I mean, seriously... you have to literally be ducking not to get hit in the face by the red flags flying all over the place.

No really, all political correctness aside... how stupid do you have to be? I cannot fathom. I just.... no, I can't.

Anyway, the man is now in police custody, and the two women are hopefully getting the help they need (both are in their 30's, for what it's worth, and at the time of posting, were still waiting for their exam results). I'll bet the precinct is just a swarming hive of cops trying to get a peek at the guy who actually pulled this off. TWICE!!!!!

American Idol - 7

I do apologize.... I don't have much to offer in terms of cynicism and sarcasm, because tonight was really, really good. I LOVE this kind of music, and I thought Rod Stewart injected some much needed energy and humor into the evening.

The only thing remotely amusing about the usual stuff (compliments of Paula, of course), was her decision to spill her ample boobage out of her dress and continually lean forward when the camera was on her. I'm thinking she's either wanting to show Katharine that she's still the queen bee around here, or she promised her boyfriend she'd do something "special" for him on camera.

Anyway... my take:

CHRIS: I did NOT know our boy was capable of this. What a pleasant voice! A very, very smart move on his part... showing us he's not a one-trick poney. He's totally capable of winning this.

PARIS: Yep. This is her niche. I am entranced. She needs to leave the show asap and start working on this type of album. I'm ready to by it today.

TAYLOR: No, Taylor... YOU send me, dahling! Taylor seems to be a fan of repetitive lyrics, but he's doing a Taylor job (that's my new term for "awesome"). I loved the ending... totally infused with Tayloricity! (That's my other new word).

ELLIOTT: I just love to listen to him, and I'm a huge fan of his humility, but I'm afraid he doesn't have much stage presence. He also needs to tie that right hand behind his back and stop doing the boy-band R&B hand motion. (There you go... Simon just said exactly what I said about his stage presence.)

KELLIE with an "ie": She started great, but she's fading fast. Simon's head is down... that can't be a good sign. Okay, she's admitting that she did a rotten job (very smart of her). Wow... she may have just sweet-talked the audience into forgiving her. Another smart move. I am now shocked and amazed... that I've used the word "smart" twice in a Kellie-related post.

ACE: Oh brother, he R&B'd a classic. He should be slapped. Omg he's sucking. I hope he's having the time of his life up there, because he's gone tomorrow. Simon's comments are positive, but I don't think Ace understands that Simon's being nice to him simply because he knows it's Ace's last night. Someone should tell the boy.

KATHARINE: This is one of my fav songs. Yikes, she sure does better with the high notes... not so much the low notes. Hmmmm, this feels insincere. She's smiling too much, I think. The woman in this song is lonely; pining for love... but Katharine's too busy sucking up to the camera to convey that. Wait... wtf did Simon just say??? WHAT??? She's leagues beyond the other contestants??? Wow... the power of suggestion, I suppose. The producers are clearly pushing for her. I guess she's just more marketable than the others.

Tonight was refreshing after the disastrous few weeks of crappy music selections and performances. Ace should go home tomorrow, but I fear that Elliott might also be on the chopping block.

In the name of chocolate and golf

This weekend highlighted all the things that are good in my life: The insane availabililty of chocolate during Easter-time, and the beginning of golf season.

Wow... when I say this out loud: "Chocolate, golf"... I get goosebumps and my heart skips a beat.

I should probably clarify: I am not a "country club" golfer... Well, I am a member of a club, but I'm in it for the sport. I am completely hooked, and I'm out there during the short Canadian golf season... rain or shine. It is by far the most addictive activity I've ever participated in. Well, besides eating chocolate. I am, afterall, a girl.

This weekend, I got to golf AND eat chocolate at the same time. My knees are still a little weak from the experience.

No seriously... walking a mountainous golf course is a KILLER workout, so today my legs are on strike. Nothing to be done about it, really. I might as well just eat more chocolate and sit it out.

Full Moon Grumpification

I've been fielding calls at work today from some of the most miserable, rude, grumpy, bitchy people.

At first I thought maybe it was me... maybe I was inadvertently saying out loud: "Please be rude to me", or "Please hang up on me while I'm in mid-sentence answering a question YOU asked".

And then I remembered that today was a full moon! Silly me... I should have known. These folks' bitchiness had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with their werewolf ancestry.

American Idol - 8

Oh Fox, you crazy bunch of guys, you really had me going there. It took me a while to realize that this was actually a special Bizarro episode of American Idol. That was really something... Paula was the only rational one; Kellie and Bucky were probably the top performances; and Queen agreed to participate on your show. What a hoot! I nearly fell for it...

My take:

BUCKY: Okay, so the guy has zero rhythm, but he comes alive and does a good job with Fat Bottomed Girls. His voice is good, he seems relaxed, he's looking less swampy, he's tanned, his teeth are whitened, and....... oh no, he's talking now. Dammit. Someone has to tell him to quit while he's ahead.

ACE: LOL He's trying to instruct Queen on how he wants the song rearranged. Is he out of his mind?? LOL He wants to change We Will Rock You??? O.... m..... LOL.... g..... This is funnier than I could ever have hoped for! The band is flat-out refusing. (Ace: "And then I thought if we gave the drums a military sound".... Queen: "No.".... Ace: "Or maybe if I just did a little more this with the rhythm".... Queen: "God no."..... Ace: "Um... or maybe..."...... Queen: "I will NOT do this to one of my songs.") Ace is performing now, and I'm in full-out belly laughs as I watch Simon with his head down, covered by his hand. He can't bear to watch! Ryan asks Ace a question about how awkward it must have been to watch that video clip of him and Queen, and Ace responds with a completely unrelated answer. This is classic! I wish I had taped it.

KELLIE with an "ie": Okay, this is the first time that I can actually appreciate the quality of her voice. This girl can really sing. I'm not digging the Munster show, though. And what's with the hooker boots? She messed up at the end, but I have to say it was pretty good overall. And like Bucky, she throws it all away by speaking at the end. She actually just blamed her stupidity on Simon's accent.

CHRIS: (gasp!!)... is that.... EYELINER?????!!!! Wait.... mascara too??? No. Maybe not mascara. The song's a yawner, but Chris is good. I just really can't get past the eyeliner. Please don't do that again, Chris.

KATHARINE: Stop screaming at me, please. There you go... just sing.... no, wait, you're screaming at me again.

ELLIOTT: Why oh why don't the judges adore this guy?? His performance is spellbinding! Bravo!! Bravo!! He's really put a lot of energy and emotion into this performance, and it's working.

TAYLOR: He's baaaaaaaaack!!! The minute this guy starts to perform, my face breaks into an involuntary smile. It's a reflex. He's just so damn entertaining. Oh! I'm LOVING the stairs thingie! LOL I can't keep my eyes off of him when he's on stage, because you just want to see what he'll do next. He belongs on a stage, this guy.

PARIS: Not sure how I feel about this performance. I want to say it's overdone, but at the same time I want to give her props for getting right into the song and the role. Simon says it was "weird", and I guess it really is. It's hard to define.

Oh, and did anyone catch those few glimpses of Mandisa when they were working with Queen? I guess it was taped before she was voted off. I wonder what song she would have done? Maybe We are the Champions? Or You're My Best Friend?

For the first time, I am truly not sure who's going home tomorrow. Maybe Ace? I'm hoping, hoping, hoping this is it for silly themes. And would someone please give Paula her pills back? Thank you.

When fur is a good thing...

Who the hell decided it was a good idea for women to shave their legs?? I wanna kick their ass!!!

(sigh) I spent the better part of Saturday trying to save some $$ by waxing my own legs. I figured I've been watching the pros do it for me for long enough, it can't possibly be that hard.

Bad, bad, bad idea. Wax was flying everywhere, and it's nearly impossible to clean that crap up. I eventually gave up and dragged my half-waxed self into the shower to shave the rest off.

Ever shave over a freshly waxed piece of skin? Yeah.... don't.

Okay, trend-setters. The joke's over. Can you bring back the non-hairless models now? (That's right, Harper's Bazaar... I'm talking to you. You started this shit 60 years ago. I dare you to end it.)

Hot (potato) heads

Who's he kidding?

"Angry Saddam" ain't got nothing on Angry Mr. Potato Head!

And then it dawned on him...

This week Eminem woke up, looked at his wife, and said, "Yo wait a minute... you mean we was already married once??"

So he filed for divorce...... again.

Silly Eminem. You should write these things down. Now your re-wife will become your re-ex-wife. Or ex-ex-wife. Ex-re-wife? Whatever. Just stop marrying her, k?

Marshall "I-can't-believe-I-did-that-again" Mathers, aka Eminem

American Idol - 9

Yay! Paula's high! That should make "Country music" night a bit more bearable.

So that's what Kenny Rogers looks like these days, eh? I would NEVER have recognized him.

Okay... my take:

TAYLOR: Too funny. He seems to have chosen a fast song so that it would be over quickly. I feel for you, hon. Really I do. It's over now. You're gonna be okay.

MANDISA: Ouch. Make it stop. It's not you, girl. It's the song. It's the genre. Holy crap, we're only 2 contestants in, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the end.

ELLIOTT: Hey! Elliott's looking pretty good! Let's see... the hair's growing out nicely; the facial hair looks better this way; he's got a tan; brows have been shaped. Yep. Way better now. Wow... his performance is so bland, I've spent the entire time analyzing his looks (sorry, E.!). I'm not sure what's lacking here... emotion, maybe?

PARIS: Great song, but she started out pretty shaky. She's having trouble with the lower notes, which is weird, 'cuz this is where she usually shines. She's looking good, though. Kinda normal tonight, but she's not looking terribly inspired. Hell, none of them are. Poor dears.

ACE: Whoa. Such kind words from Kenny. I think Kenny's crushin' on Ace. Eeeeasy, big fella. Oh brother, he's singing now. I'm really, really, really sick of the puppyish jack-in-the-box surprise look on his face when he sings. And I hate the MJ voice. Ugh, that falsetto (now HERE's a guy who could use some artificial testicles!). But he's actually doing okay. Damn him for doing well tonight!!! (sigh) Now we'll never get rid of him!!

KELLIE with an "ie": Omg! LOL I can't stop laughing! Who WRITES these songs?? LOL This is what I'd write if I was deliberately trying to make fun of country music! LOL I'm digging the dancing eyebrows, though. A very entertaining touch.

CHRIS: Wow. I'm liking this. I don't know the original, so maybe that makes a difference. But I like "Mellow Chris". I wasn't sure he'd pull it off.

KATHARINE: Oh for crying out loud, girl... STOP WITH THE CHEESY SAUNTERING ALREADY! Her voice is good, though. Real good. Hey... she just totally dominated Simon during his critique, and he happily submitted to her. I don't even think he's aware of what just happened. He gets a little goofy around her, in a horny old-man sort of way.

BUCKY: Um.... isn't this a rock song? Or did Vertical Horizon cover a country song when they recorded this?? You know, he's not half-bad. And this is the most emotion I've ever seen him express during a performance.

I can't believe I'm ending this on a positive note for Bucky, of all people. I'm just glad Country night is over with. Now I MUST go listen to some other music, lest I catch myself tapping my toes tomorrow morning and humming "Country Roads" over breakfast, or something equally disturbing.

An apology to those in need of artificial testicles

Wow... my blog's been busy this weekend. I got tons of traffic directed to me as a result of Google searches for none other than artificial testicles, thanks to my entry below about that North Carolina castration outfit. It seems I misspelled "testical" in my post, and apparently anyone doing a google search who can't spell it either, landed on my blog.

I'm floored by the fact that so many folks out there are needing to do research on artificial testicles, and I'm really, really sorry that I ended up at the top of the list. I'm afraid I don't have any bona fide information for you! (Except to tell you that if you're NOT seeking them for a medical reason, then you're out of luck because Mr. Mendez and his North Carolina crew are now out of business).

Oh, and you might want to go back and search "Artificial testicles"... trust me, you'll get way better info.

I've been slacking!

Yikes! I've been so busy reading and posting on other blogs that I forgot to update my own! I kept coming back here, griping to myself about the lack of fresh material until it dawned on me that that's my job.

A couple of interesting-but-not-really news snippets today:

Scott Peterson's family is offering a $250,000 reward for the nabbing of the "real" killer. I figure why stop there? Why not make it a bazillion-gazillion-hexazillion-trillion-million dollars and forty-three cents? It's not like they'll ever need to pay it out.

Then there's this bizarre and ewwwwww-inducing story about a sadomasochistic outfit in North Carolina that performed volunteer castrations and other fun cosmetic procedures, such as artificial testical replacements known as "neuticals". They kept the severed testicles frozen in a back room... you know, in case someone walks in wanting 2 extra testicles. Ewwwwww, ewwwww, and ewwwwwwwwwww.

Here's a pic of the handsome dungeon master himself. He's such a cutie! No WONDER guys were voluntarily offering up their sacks to this angel.


Michael Mendez - dungeon master; remover of balls